Hadley Green 2 Knobs 2

The Vets finish the year top of the league but disappointed with a poor second half performance away at Hadley.

This was a shambles of a match on a child sized pitch, that saw 3 referees used in the first half. Knebworth will make representations to league chairman John "Scudamore" Boyle. Rob Stanley failed to board the team coach so Knebworth had one sub. Hadley had no subs, and no referee. They were not keen to play with 10, so Knebworth donated super sub Banksy to referee. After 7 minutes James tore his calf muscle and hobbled off. Banksy went up front, Jono centre half (!) and Hadley went down to 10 men, providing a referee from their midfield.

Knebworth started well, playing the ball around with confidence and working together as a team. Which was the opposite of what happened in the second half. Super sub Banks then worked his magic with 2 well taken goals from Dave Millhouse crosses.

More generosity from Knebworth followed as Gavin used his Owens connections to persuade someone else to ref, and Hadley were back to 11 men. Hadley, understandably came back at Knebworth, but at half time it was 2-0.

The second half was a horror show from Knebworth. Gavin was brave in goal and made a few good punched saves. The part time keeper confessed that overnight, he had reviewed his keeping technique watching DVDs of previous matches with coach Tony Clare. This review led to the conclusion that Gavin cannot catch, and therefore the strategy of punching everything was employed. Tony had apparently recommended flapping was a better technique, but headstrong Gavin chose to punch instead.

Hadley got stronger and stronger in the second half as Knebworth fell deeper and deeper and the midfield and forwards separated. By the end Knebworth holding on at 2-2. Very poor performance, we got too casual against a team we had beaten comfortably a few weeks earlier. The micky mouse pitch and a late starting match with 3 referees are additional excuses.

After the game there were plenty of suggestions for managers Dastardly and Muttley to improve morale and form. Jono, who arrived 10 minutes before kick off, wants increased focus on tactics and strategy, plus Wayne banned from the club. Gavin wants a post match, in the bar, vote for man of the match. Gavin has stayed for a drink once in 5 years, but explained the managers could set up a text and online voting system like Strictly Come Dancing, so he can vote from home. Dave Jordan wants to calculate average and total age of the match day squad to compare against the opposition. it was pointed out to dave that the opposition numbers will be difficult to source. Asked to comment on these well meaning and innovative suggestions Dastardly Aldrich said "you were all rubbish, I'm flying to the states in the New Year to team up with Stevie Gerrard, Frank Lampard and Brendan Walkden."

It will be left to Muttley Hobbs to pick up the pieces on the 3rd of January. Hobbs said after the match "Don't panic everyone, we won't see Jono at centre half when Aldrich is away, in fact you won't see him again until he gives my son player of the week in the Under 6s".

Knobs 3 Athletic Old Boys 0

The Vets ran out comfortable winners in a wet and muddy friendly. But co-manager Dastardly Aldrich was under whelmed with the performance. The under sized administrator said "Director of Footballs John Boyle told me the stats report gave us 86% possession but Millhouse and Forde managed only 2 goals between them. It was Jono's 46th birthday today, and between them they should have had a goal for every year. We were rock solid at the back, we only looked like conceding when Muttley Hobbs was upfield for corners, but going forward we really lacked the killer touch in the final third, I will have to take a look at the January transfer market."

Knebworth made several changes for this fixture. Wayne was serving a one match suspension and dealing with his 'lifestyle' issues at the Priory Clinic (it's now 2 clean sheets without him). The Naked Knebworthian Debt Collector Ally agreed to play if Greg was dropped. Greg was dropped. Brendan Wren returned from a scouting trip in Australia, New Zealand, Thailand and California.  Tony Clare was dressed as Santa in a shopping centre somewhere and Stuart made his debut in goal. Tory Boy Gavin Simpson made his third comeback from retirement this season, and agreed to be late for his lunch date with Grant Shapps. Gerry was back as well, after finishing a short cage fighting tour in Eastern Europe.

Captain on account of his birthday, Jono gave the pre-match team talk. It was distinctly average speech, but fortunately the translation by Muttley Hobbs was highly motivating and set up the team for a strong start. 

Knebworth dominated the match from the beginning, playing some great passing football in difficult conditions. The final ball and finishing was average at best, and the opposition keeper was in great form. Knebworth took the lead when Gavin slipped in the box for a penalty which Bully put away. One nil at half time.

Knebworth were a bit casual in the second half until Chris Cox and Tony K arrived to watch - this reminded the team they were playing for the places, and energy levels rose. Jono made it 2 with a simple tap up after a cross from the right. Then it was 3 when James attacked on the left, passed to Tory Boy Simpson who turned nicely to find space to shoot. The keeper fumbled and then Jono tripped over the ball in the act of scoring from a yard.

Good performance in terrible conditions. Jono left early for his birthday party at a nearby Wacky Warehouse. Strangely not one player was invited to the party. Fair play to Dave M for helping sweep up, and good luck to the Naked Debt collector getting the kit clean.

Sandridge 0 Knobs 5

The Vets returned to winning ways with a comfortable 5 - 0 win at bottom of the table Sandridge.

This was Sunday morning football at its best - Wayne failed to turn up for the second time this season, Woody confounded expectations by turning up and Banksy had failed to get the kit even moderately clean. Fortunately in the previous 7 days, nobody had retired or left the club, and  team joker Martyn "chubby" Brown was back to strengthen the defence.

Kicking downhill and with the wind, Knebworth started quickly and soon took the lead. Dave M combined well with Jono, and Jono made his greatest contribution of the day falling over in the box for a penalty. Bully edged his career success rate from the spot to over 10%, and Knebworth were one up.

Knebworth were dominant and were soon 2 up when Dave M found space to smash the ball home. It was then time for Tony C to turn provider. The Knebworth Youth coach of the year (God help us!) ignored his training manual and hoofed the ball down the hill. Somehow Sandridge struggled to deal with a long straight, traditional English pass, and Woody was able to make it 3 nil.

At half time super sub Banksy came on, so Dave Knights could make some more phone calls. The late arriving Sandridge sub also came on at half time and began to use the phrase "my bad". This phrase, 'to admit one's own mistake' is the reserve of anyone born after 1990, and has no place in vets football. League historian John Boyle said there have been no recorded cases of this phrase being used since the league was founded in 1867. John added, "I hope Ron Crennell does not read the blog this week, he will be shocked to the core to hear of such language".

Sandridge were stronger in the second half with the wind behind them, but it was comfortable at the back for Knebworth. Super sub Banks, angry at being made to start the match last week, scored his 5th in 7 (he claims) to make it 4 nil. Banksy was given so much time to take his shot from 10 yards out that Dave Knights, now back on the pitch, had time to make 3 phone calls from left back.

To round off Woody summed up the energy to run past 3 players from the half way line and make it 5 nil.

A steady win against a struggling Sandridge team. After the match Dastardly Darren Aldrich said "myself and Muttley Hobbs continue to be attacked on social media by anonymous posters, but we are strong, we are top of the league, we've won 6 out of 9 league games". Questioned  about his training methods, given the high injury count for the vets this season, Dastardly Darren said "there is nothing wrong with our training drills, look at Banksy he is fit as a fiddle, look at Woody he is so fit he can afford to smoke at half time. Haters gonna hate".

Knobs 2 Blunham 2

Joint managers Dastardly and Muttley are resisting calls to resign after failing to win a league match in November, a 4th player leaving the club and a week of torrid abuse on social media.  As Brendan Walkden followed Tory boy Gavin Simpson, left back Vinny and Chairman Mao out of the club, he said "those 2 just never understood me, played me out of position and when they asked me to help put the goals up it was the final straw - I shall be looking for new opportunities in the US with my mate Stevie  G".

At the post match press conference Dastardly Aldrich said, "it's just not fair that myself and Muttley get this abuse. Everyone knows that Director of Footballs John Boyle picks the team and makes the substitutions - our role is to send some emails, tell Ron Crennell, Twiggy and Brendan Wren they are not selected, find a last minute replacement for serial drop out Martyn Brown, open up the pavilion, retrieve Dave Millhouse shots from trees and gardens, check Greg has swept up properly and close the pavilion - we have nothing to do with the football side"

With Greg and Wayne predictably late, several players refusing to put goals up then not having the right equipment to secure the nets it was not surprising Knebworth made a poor start to this match. After a first minute run on goal from James, somehow given offside when running with ball, it was Blunham who looked strongest in the opening phases. Blunham were winning the second balls, and playing neat passing football and running past their men. Knebworth were puffing and James, Wayne and Tony C were called on for several last ditch saves and tackles. 

Banksy had a chance when James crossed low across the goal, but Blunham took the lead with a header past Tony. A reaction was needed, and just before half time Knebworth equalised with perhaps the scrappiest goal of all time from a corner - but well done to Paul for a goal on debut.

At half time, some harsh words were needed, unfortunately most of the team were gasping for air having been under the cosh for 45 minutes and were unable to speak. However, the second half was a different story. Knebworth were much improved and began to put Blunham under a bit more pressure, with Dave M seeing a bit more the ball and running past some ageing defenders. Unfortunately the best chance fell to the other Millhouse who shot at the keeper when one on one in space. Blunham were not out of it though, and continued to threaten, keeping James and Wayne busy.

Knebworth then took the lead, some comedy defending and goal keeping left Greg with an open goal to hook the ball into from the edge of the box.  Greg made no mistake, this time.

Could Knebworth hold on? Sadly not, after a maul collapsed and became a ruck in the 6 yard box, Les decided a drop ball was the answer - a 5 metre scrum would have been more appropriate. The ball came to the edge of the box, Knebworth were slow to react and a shot went in through a crowd of players. Disappointing.

There was still time for one unsavoury incident. With hard man Tony K lying on the floor in a lot of pain, and struggling to breathe, James took exception to the aggressor laughing at Tony and some Sunday league pushing followed. Realising he had failed to back his mate minutes earlier, Bully then also looked for revenge on the culprit and a comedy/embarrassing incident followed as several players pushed each other into the back of the under 12s net and got tangled up. At this point, Les did the sensible thing and called time on the farce at 2-2.

One Blunham player was not content with the final outcome, and continued argument with Tony as we left the pitch, ignoring the fact the there were kids around, thinking it appropriate to try and start a fight, promising to "park" Tony. According to google translate to "park" someone is known in the Knebworth local dialect as to "invite one to fight by the Queensbury rules at a later date to be agreed by both parties" Tony declined the offer and took the goals down instead.

Knebworth were disappointed to concede late and drop points, but Tony was the busiest of the keepers making several excellent saves.

50 shades a beige at the pub, where the Blunham star player was asked for ID by Pete.

Knobs 1 Welwyn Sports 3

With their worst performance of the season the Vets slumped to a home defeat.

Knebworth rarely beat Welywn, in fact according to club historian Tony Kingsbury they have never beaten them. And having dominated the first half of the match there will never be a better chance to win in this fixture.

Knebworth were the better side in a sluggish first half but went in 1-1 at half time. A shot from Bully was dropped and Dave Millhouse put the rebound home. This was about the only shot on target in first half where Knebworth dominated possession. Welwyn immediately responded and equalising after a winger was allowed too much space to put in a cross leading to a goal from close range.

The less said about the second half the better. Brendan dropped some toys on his knee and the sub was substituted.  Tony made a great save 1 on 1 but when we should have gone on to win the game we gifted Welywn the decisive second goal. Very disappointing, too many poor games across the team.

Mountain of food in the pub consumed by then 7 brave enough to show their faces in the pub.

Knobs 2 Goldings 1

At the start of the week we thought we were playing MBDA, mid-week Kimpton, but eventually we ended up playing our old adversaries Goldings in a friendly.

Woody doesn’t do friendlies so he dropped out.  Paul drank so much on Friday that the pain in his ankle disappeared so he felt fit enough to replace Woody.  On Saturday Paul woke up with a pain in his ankle and head and so he dropped out again.  Barney then made himself available after his 1 appearance and instant retirement 4 years ago.  The situation was fluid.

On the day there was confusion about whom we were playing and who Barney was.  This was not helped by Goldings turning up with 10 and Barney being donated to them.  Last week’s referee Gavin also returned from retirement but did state ahead of the game that he may not be able to work as hard as the rest of the team had the previous week.

Gavin need not have worried as the team must have felt sorry for him as they played at a much slower tempo and work rate that the week before.
Referee Les / Len also seemed to be confused.  He asked why we were doing another Remembrance Day silence before the game!
The last time we gave the opposition players we lost.  It looked like we would do this again as after only a few minutes Barney broke down our right and crossed for the Goldings forward to poke in at the near post.  A very poor start.

Although we had the balance of play and possession we looked susceptible to long balls for the 2 (1 borrowed) quick forwards to chase and this became the pattern of play for the rest of the half. 

Greg was obviously full of confidence after his goal last week and also wanted to show us he believed in the saying, “if at first you don’t succeed” as he peppered the trees and tennis courts with long range efforts over and over again. 

The management dream team’s decision to leave Wayne on the Bench (he took that too literally) was proved to be a genius decision.  His replacement (Chairman Al) picked up the ball on the right, crossed and picked out an unmarked Greg who headed the ball into the corner of the net.  Total football personified when your centre back appears on the wing and gets an assist.  Shortly after the equaliser the whistle went for half time and Al was rewarded for his assist by being donated to Goldings who had another player turn up just in time for their forward to pull his hamstring.

Wayne replaced Al, Barney switched shirts and took a rest, Tony K replaced Gerry and off we went again.  Bully declared that anyone who embarrassed Al would win a pint.  Martyn nutmegged Al to claim the pint. Goldings changed their formation to what they described as 3 in the middle.  In practice it became 5 centre backs as we lay siege to their goal.  We must have had 80% possession.  Our winning goal finally arrived with a great cross field pass from Greg to Martyn who beat his man to roll the ball across to Barney who had a 1 yard tap in.  Goldings had 2 attacks in 45 minutes, both of those from Gavin who somehow managed to sub himself on for one of their players whilst being subbed for Barney.  The best chance for Goldings was when our chuckle brothers (Tony C and Wayne) decided to tackle each other under no pressure from anyone.

There was a big concern for Dave K who injured his lungs having to run 20 yards to keep the ball in before slicing it off. He begged to be replaced due to a lack of oxygen.

The game ended, we all decided their best player was the goalkeeper who had made a number of saves and we will all probably forget about the game very quickly.

Ground hog day then ensued – Greg and Wayne swept up and most of us went to the pub for brown food.

Knobs 2 Dun Cow 5

Co-mangers Hobbs and Aldrich launched a stinging attack on Director of Footballs John Boyle after the Vets conceded 2 critical goals through unlucky bounces in this match against Dun Cow.

The hard men managers accused Boyle of buying sub-standard match balls. Boyle maintains the balls are genuine high quality, bought from Fred the Fence at the back of Mike Ashley Soccer World. Hobbs and Aldrich remain unconvinced.

Having lost in the cup last week, Knebworth made several changes to the squad for this league match. Jono was left out following a training ground bust up with Tony C, Paul "biscuits" Matthews was sent to A&E as a precautionary measure, Woody was competing in a marathon (a drinking one) and Tony K took one look at the form guide and pulled his groin. So the formation switched to 4-5-1, once the telepathic managers realised they had agreed to play different Robs at centre half.

On a heavy pitch, Knebworth held their own in the first half against a strong Dun Cow side who have not lost a match since Tony Clare had a full head of hair.  Knebworth conceded possession at times, but looked dangerous in the counter attack, with the Dave 'the mouth' Millhouse putting in a great shift. In midfield his brother Greg 'wallace' Millhouse had his best game of the season despite having to carry Bully and Darren on his shoulders.

Into the second half Knebworth had just started to believe in themselves when disaster struck. Hobbs was perfectly positioned (as usual) to clear a cross but the bouncing ball did not bounce and went straight under his foot to the far post and Dun Cow were able to take the lead. At this point John Boyle started to look a bit shifty on the sidelines.

Knebworth soon struck back - the Millhouse brothers combined well, and the one with slightly more hair (Greg) found some space in the box to equalise. Back in the game, Knebworth continued to attack and Banksy found some space on the edge of the box.... say what you like about Banksy, and most people do, the boy can finish 2-1 Knebworth with 21 minutes to go - what could possibly go wrong ...

Into the last 20 minutes the crowd doubled with Tony K, Vinny and Phil Wheeler arriving at the Rec having heard on the radio a victory to rival Japan vs . South Africa was possible.... But disaster struck again when a weak shot bounced under Tony Clare due to the faulty footballs again. John Boyle was now starting to look very guilty. Dun Cow could not believe their luck, and were re-energised to go for the win. They were successful in that objective. From 2-1 up with 20 minutes to go, to a 5-2 defeat for Knebworth.

The final score did not reflect a strong performance, and everyone showed great commitment. particularly the Millhouse brothers who also swept up after non-paying Rob H failed to do his duty and clean the dressing room. Note to all, if you have to leave in a hurry after the game make sure are not in the last 2 to arrive!

Thanks to Gavin "Tory Boy" Simpson for another good performance with the whistle.

Knobs 1 Oxhey Jets 2

The Vets crashed out of the Herts County Cup losing in a competitive match for the first time this season.

It was a beautiful November morning, the early morning sun rose over the church and shone through the giant cloud of mist from Banksy's Shisha pipe. Despite the loss of Woody, Sergio and Biscuits Matthews, Knebworth were able to put out a strong team with Jono and Dave M back in the squad to reinforce the forward line. It was a typical Knebworth first half - a strong Oxhey side dominated possession but good shape and a resilient back line kept the ship steady. Greg and Martyn put in a lot of work to help Bully and Darren who were out numbered in he middle. Playing on the break, Knebworth had a couple of half chances, but non-scoring centre midfielder Darren was the man to break the deadlock.  After some good work down the left, a shot was blocked and the ball fell to Darren to smash a side footer home. 1-0 against the run play, this usually means Knebworth are playing well.

Unfortunately after a couple of changes at half time, Knebworth lost their shape and conceded twice shortly after the interval. As Tony C was keen to point out after the game, neither were his fault (team game Tony, first for everything and all that!). A cruel bounce saw a cross skip past Tony K for the first goal, and Wayne left the referee with little choice for a penalty for the second goal.

Knebworth fought hard to get back in the game, but struggled to impose themselves and hold their shape. Wayne and Tony C were excellent throughout, but in the end it probably looked more likely to go to 3-1 than 2-2.

Great effort from everyone, this was a strong Oxhey side and a close game.

Strong turn out from a hungry Oxhey side at the pub left a few chips for the Knebworth stragglers.

Post match warm down was held at Odyssey "Health Club" Family Swim session where Jono and James were joined by reserve squad members Gerry Dempsey and Steve Bradley. Unfortunately the pool had to be closed when a huge amount of foam appeared in the water after Jono jumped in. Jono, now banned from the "Health Club", blames the 2 litres of shampoo dumped on his head by best friend Wayne after the match. Hard man Gerry took the opportunity to strut his stuff in the free weights section of the gym.

Knobs 6 Hadley Green 1

It's now 5 wins in a row for Knebworth Vets after Hadley Green were dismantled with 4 goals in the second half.

Knebworth started slowly, conceding a lot of possession in the first 25 minutes - but the back four held firm protecting stand in keeper Dave Jordan (thanks Dave). Upfront Woody looked lively, and the deadlock was broken when Woody turned his man inside out and was hacked down in the box. Phil Wheeler, looking as smart as we've ever seen him, pointed to the spot. Bully had clearly not read the blog after last weeks miss, and stepped forward to give Knebworth the lead.

Knebworth then went 2 up. Free scoring, deputy manager, James cleared a corner to Paul Matthews, and followed his clearance like Bryan Habana chasing a high ball. Paul returned the pass and James ran through, closed his eyes, swung his right foot and the keeper dived out of the way.

Hadley Green got back in it shortly before half time. Wayne didn't quite understand the term "indirect" and deflected an indirect free kick past Dave. This was Wayne's 53rd career own goal.

At half time the statistics said not to bring Banksy - pitch too big, and his form with the flag is just too good. so Dave K went in goal (thanks Dave), Ally replaced Tony.

The game was over 10 minutes after half time. Some much improved passing cut through a tiring Hadley team and Woody netted twice. Darren tied the bootlaces of a giant together so James could head in the fifth goal. Banksy made a nuisance of himself, tripped over his Shisha pipe and was awarded a penalty - Bully converted again - to answer his "anonymous" critics on the blog.

After the game a naked man wondered why naked men did not have any cash on their person to pay their subs. A tense and frightening moment, but eventually money was found to pay Phil for the 2 penalties.

50 shades of beige was served in the pub

Supporters Jack Matthews and Louis Hobbs, 50% of John Boyle

Harpenden 2 Knobs 3

The Vets made it 4 wins in a row and go top of league with a scrappy win away at Harpenden. The match was shrouded in mystery after Tony Kingsbury's water went missing - more on this later. On a bobbly pitch Knebworth struggled to find any form in a difficult first half. Harpenden had a good chance to lob Tony, but put it over, Knebworth threatened a few times, but overall it was a poor first half.

The first goal nearly came after Dave Millhouse made a lovely turn in the box, drove towards the goal and was tripped before he could shoot. Lots of protesting from Harpenden, but a clear penalty to Knebworth - unfortunately Bully missed.

Three changes made at half time - moneyball theory dictating that all players must play at least 45 mins. The deadlock was broken shortly after half time. Manager Hobbs went forward for his 1058th corner in Knebworth colours and recorded his 6th ever goal with a bullet header after Bully's corner found was initially cleared and then played back in again.

Knebworth went 2 up 10 minutes later - after a series of heavy tackles the ball fell to Paul, he flicked it up and volleyed home from 30 yards. Excellent goal.

But Harpenden did not give up and continued to look for long balls through. They got one back after Tony made a fantastic double save, Dave Jordan blocked another shot, but then the centre forward poked it home. To ensure no one forgot his great double save, Tony aimed a two footed tackle at the post and lost out. He misses the next game with a heavily bruised foot. 

Knebworth were starting to get a bit nervous - conceding an unnecessary free kick 30 yards out. Unfortunately the free kick was accidentally floated over Tony, and from cruising at 2 nil up, it was 2-2 with 10 minutes to go.

It was starting to get a bit frantic now, but Woody kept a cool head and cut in from the left to fire in a shot from the edge of the box. The ball rolled under the keeper, and City boys Paul and Darren swore with the honesty of an Enron accountant it was over the line. Creative honesty from Harpenden said it was not over the line. A fault with the video technology meant the referee had no choice but to say "no goal". Paul subsequently gave his son Jack a lesson in finger pointing and aggressive body language towards the creatively honest keeper.

But Knebworth were not done yet. Banksy topped up his Shisha pipe with Tony's water and found his first burst of energy to cause some confusion in the Harpenden defence - with 90 seconds remaining and only the keeper to bear, he wobbled past and tapped home the winner.

Strong turn out in the pub meant Bully was forced to moan about "normal" pub attendance, rather than this specific turn out. Quite a refreshing change.

Greg had 2 sausage sandwiches, Brendan Walkden had 3 - both looked guilty when Harpenden shared the remaining 3 sandwiches between 8 of them.

Supporters - Billy Brown, Jack Matthews

MBDA 0 Knobs 8

On the back of a good win last week, and with authoritarian deputy coach Darren Aldrich away on a gambling trip to Las Vegas, the Vets were in good spirits ahead of this short trip to MBDA.
However, the mood was quickly dampened with the discovery that Dave Knights had dried the kit on his sun bed, causing shrinkage and the labels to peel off.

Having had just 12 players for the long trip last week, suddenly 17 were available to this journey to Stevenage. The 17 were cut back to 14, and the 3 subs for Knebworth contrasted an under strength MBDA who lined up without subs.

Knebworth dominated the early exchanges, but were well below par. Jono made his midfield debut, and the constant abuse from Wayne seemed to get to him. James made some early runs forward but the final ball was poor.  The deadlock was broken when Paul Matthews, who is first choice striker for lead coach Hobbs, beat the offside trap, and ran through to score. Les was tempted to give off side, and may have whistled a little early, but stuck with linesman Banks' decision. MBDA continued to play a dangerously high line, and Paul beat the offside trap to add a second, third and fourth before half time. The goals all looked quite similar and the assists were from across the back five (including Tony). 4 up at half time, without playing well, and missing several good chances.

Changes were made at half time. That statistics showed that it was 110% likely that Paul Matthews would get injured in the second half so he was off for Banks. Full backs Tony K and Dave "sun bed" Knights were off for the returning Chairman Al and Brendan Walkden.

Taking off a four goal hero at half time was seem by many as management suicide, but the old Steve Banks was back and he next scored 2 goals, again beating the high line with assists from the back 5.

With MBDA down to 9 men through injury, for the next 30 mins Knebworth missed a good chance every 2 minutes. Ridiculous. Woody scored the next 2, including a lovely chip after an assist from the back 5.

(Nearly forgot...) Tony saved a penalty, after a tired tackle from Bully. To be fair to the penalty taker, the grass was quite long.

8 nil, great result, average performance, terrible finishing, sterner tests await.

Greg "Wallace" Millhouse was surprised, and delighted by the post match stew, including vegetables. Nothing had been fried, and he's booked in for Valentine's Day 2016.

Supporters Charlie Millhouse and Louis Hobbs

Rickmansworth 2 Knobs 4

After the failure of Stuart Lancaster's men on Saturday night, the RFU are said to be looking at the approach to tournament football of joint managers Darren Aldrich and James Hobbs. Minutes of pre-match planning saw Knebworth line up with a 4 4 2 formation for this cup match with Rickmansworth.

The personal touch from the managers to get the best from their resources was evident as they picked up Gerry Dempsey from his house 15 mins after the scheduled meet time. No apology from Gerry for poor time keeping, just a generous thanks for the home visit. There was also an arm round the shoulder for late arrivals for Greg "Wallace" Millhouse and Wayne - both casually walking onto the pitch with 20 players in position and the ref about to kick off.  Rickmansworth were probably a little tired by this time having completed numerous warm up drills whilst we counted players and the kids put long shots past Tony.

Last season, most clubs in the league, including ourselves, declined the invitation to play away at Rickmansworth, having seen them record double digit scores in some early fixtures - but this Knebworth team (mostly) holds no fear.  With fourth choice striker Paul and Sergio upfront, there is confidence that we will be able to give the opposition back four a hard time.

Both teams started brightly, knocking the ball around on a small but flat pitch. Much to the bookies surprise, and the non-believers in the Knebworth side, Knebworth took an early lead. The Rickmansworth keeper was only able to parry an excellent shot from Paul, and Sergio tapped in the rebound. Further astonishment followed - Knebworth won a free kick after a foul on Sergio. He's taken 97.7% of Knebworth dead balls in the last 13 years, with 0.06% success rate - so it was no surprise to see Bully ping the free kick into the top corner.  2 - 0, after 25 minutes, could we actually beat the mighty Rickmansworth? Maybe some started to believe it....

But Rickmansworth then got back in the game after a run through the heart of midfield stretched the defence and a pass through allowed an easy finish.

Rickmansworth continued to press hard but the back four and Tony held firm. Tony claimed some crosses and made one important save. Greg tried really hard to give away a penalty, twice in 10 seconds. Upfront Sergio and Paul were excellent, the counter attacking strategy (or default position) was working well.

Continuing the threaten on the break, Knebworth  won a corner. Bully took his 9,564th corner for Knebworth, these corners have produced 3 goals, ever. Bully mis kicked his corner, Sergio was at the near post and flicked it in.  3 - 1, people starting to believe again.

That belief took a dent when Sergio was forced off with an injury, but Steve the hammer Banks was back on the bench after a period away training with the reserves, and who can forget the day he scored four.

More of the same was the cry at half time. Hobbs and Aldrich consulted the statisticians and decided that with no one left on the bench, they would leave things unchanged into the second half.

Knebworth continued to battle hard in the second half, conceding possession but holding a thin orange line to keep Rickmansworth back. Across the pitch everyone dug in and stuck together. Crosses and long passes rained on the back four, but everything was challenged and for all their dominance Rickmansworth did not threaten Tony on many occasions.

The game was nearly sealed when Paul put a mis hit shot from Martyn past the keeper, 4 - 1 to Knebworth was 100-1 bet in William Hill in Knebworth on Saturday lunchtime.

Rickmansworth kept going, scoring another to make it 4 - 2, but that was it, Knebworth were through!

Greg "Wallace" Millhouse was again impressed with the sandwiches - colourful he said. That's called salad said Bully.

Dave Knight gave a lesson in how to win friends and influence people after the game. Step 1) tell centre backs James and Wayne he could find a decent centre back for next week. Step 2) tell Bully his free kick was rubbish and should have been saved easily. For best effect, do this whilst eating your own post match meal with your own bottle of champagne and a single glass. He has a lovely tan though.

Supporters Brendan Wren, Louis Hobbs, Billy Brown, Jack Matthews

Stotfold 2 Knobs 3

The Vets recorded their third league win of the season in their first league match of the season in a hard fought, and at times fractious match against Stotfold.

Shocked to be playing on a proper pitch with dug outs and seating Knebworth were forced to defend in the opening exchanges, but the reshaped back 4, with Vinny moving to left back, held firm. With the ball, Knebworth looked strong, Sergio and Jono looked dangerous with good support from Paul and Darren.

Against the run of play Knebworth took the lead with a great pass from someone finding Jono who declined the opportunity to round the wide keeper and slotted home from the edge of the box - much to Wayne's, James' and Jono's surprise who thought the keeper had tipped it wide.

Knebworth survived the loss of Vinny who fell awkwardly on his shoulder twice, and Martyn came on at left back. Knebworth then went 2 up following some great work from Darren and Paul - this released Sergio who continued his good form with his first goal of the match.

Stotfold then forced their way back into the match, with a break down the right wing and a deep cross that was volleyed home. It got worse for Knebworth, poor marking from a free kick allowed a free header and the Stotfold equaliser. Disappointing to give some soft goals when we had just cleared 3 off the line.

2 each at half time. The managers Darren and James looked at the stats and came to the conclusion that a like for like substitution was needed so Greg replaced his brother Dave.

The second half was a bit scrappy, but with fitness a relative concept, Knebworth looked much stronger as time went on. In the 75th minute some good work from Martyn and Greg released Sergio who beat 3 players, surged at the goal and calmly mis kicked it through the keepers legs.

The back 4 defended well, kept Tony C out of trouble to see Knebworth home for their 9th point of the season.

Great all round effort from everyone - this was a tough fixture but everyone (apart from Woody!) committed to the challenge and victory was deserved.

White sliced sandwiches for 6 of us after the game led to calls for healthier alternatives after home games from Greg. The managers are considering this request, but have pointed out to Greg that his BMI and general fitness is determined by the other 6 days and 20 meals in his week.

Knobs 3 Saints 4

A casual performance from the Vets led to defeat. We began much more brightly than last week, goals were assembled with minimum fuss, the only hiccup was Gerry forgetting the balls. Unfortunately shambolic Saints arrived with only 8 players and the match was downgraded to a friendly (league points to Knebworth we assume).  Big thanks to Darren Bedford who accepted the late invitation to join the fixture for Saints and to Gerry and Sergio for doing the same.

After an impressive victory last week perhaps we thought this would be an easy win again, especially after James hand/shouldered in a corner in the early minutes to give Knebworth the lead. There was plenty of possession for Knebworth as the ball was passed around well. But Sergio, angered by his demotion to the bench and then onto Saints had a point to prove and put himself about like a Saints veteran. Sergio levelled the score after turning past the defence - his delight in proving a point to the management was tempered when he realised he had turned past Vinny and not under pressure joint, deputy assistant helper joint manager James.

Knebworth continued to dominate possession but found themselves 2 - 1 down at half time after a shot found its was past Tony from close range. A few expletives followed from the big stopper, but obviously he remains a legend.

Under pressure joint deputy assistant joint manager helper james called Chairman Al for a vote of confidence at half time. The vote of confidence was offered by Al in exchange for a return to the side next week in a free role behind the front 2.  A few tactical changes were made at half time with the newly signed full back Rob moved from right midfield to left midfield, woody moved to midfield and captain for the day paul (play me up front or I am taking my ball home) Matthews, moved up front. This tactical masterstroke appeared to be working as woody equalised after a cross from Rob. Knebworth then proceeded to dominate again, but missed chances and lacked the killer touch. The final ball as drifted across the Saints penalty on numerous occasions.

A great run from Rob saw Knebworth take the lead, and again maybe we relaxed too much because Sergio was still trying to kick Bully, Gerry was angry as we've ever seen him and Darren had a variety of Knebworth forwards in his left pocket. Saints were not in the mood for giving up and equalised with a once in an 8 aside season shot, and then sealed victory with a great strike past Tony as Knebworth were caught on the break from an attacking corner. 

Disappointingly result - if we had defended better, crossed it better, finished better and not given them 3 players a victory would have been ours.

More selection headaches await management duo laurel and hardy with a squad containing 8 centre backs, 9 centre midfielders, 14 centre forwards one keeper and 2 full backs. Thanks to angry Brendan Walkden, Chairman Al and Martyn Brown for stepping down from the squad with good grace. We had 17 players available, Saints had 8, and we lost. Darren "hardy" Aldrich, chief joint, supremo manager has woved never to give the opposition our 3 best players again.

Great start with the whistle from Gavin, you wonder why he ever tried to play, he was that good. Look forward to those brown shorts  gracing the theatre of dreams for many more matches.

For the record, 3 points a clean sheet for Tony

Knobs 7 Walkern 1

With 21 originally declaring themselves available for selection the managers had a tough task deciding who would play where and how to give everyone a game. However with 3 late dropouts and a retirement from football we had a squad of 17 ready for action.

The 30 minute reconstruction of the goals warmed the players up tremendously.  Who needs time with a ball before a match?

Pre-season had clearly gone well as the starting 11 were immediately on the front foot giving Walkern little time on the ball and creating chance after chance.

There were too many shots, goals and assists to describe, suffice to say it was little surprise that Walkern’s players were begging the ref to end the game early.

Wayne’s debut for the team was a positive as were goals for the returning Woody and Sergio.  Last season’s top scorer Dave M already leads this season with 2.

Joint manager James gave us a glimpse of what is to come by ensuring he was the only player to get a full 90 minutes.

Knobs 1 Whitewebbs 3

Season over!

Knobs 4 Buntingford 6

I will try to keep this brief, since this match is best forgotten, and I doubt whether many of you will be inclined to read this blog anyway!

We played well in the first half, showing some lovely passing at times, and we held a deserved 4-2 lead at half time.

For the second half, Dave J rotated the team, in order to give everyone a chance to play, including himself. Now, this was an end-of-season friendly, and I fully support the laudable aim of allowing everyone to play a half. Unfortunately, however, the team was weakened by the various changes, particularly the loss of Dave himself in goal, and Buntingford were the better team in the second half. With the help of individual errors by some of our players, they ran out 6-4 winners. This was a great way for their retiring manager to bow out in his last game, and it was a good day for the landlord of The Station Bar and Dining, since the Buntingford players packed into the pub to celebrate. Quite a few of our players also came along, to be fair, and Dave amused us by being incapable of finding the winner of the scratchcard, when it he had won the prize himself...

I must give credit to all of our players for their exertions on a very warm day. There were many excellent performances, but I must mention Dave M, for his tireless chasing and running, and a very sweet finish for our first goal, and Paul, who showed great composure in scoring a quality hat-trick: he should be very proud of that. Finally, it was good to have Rob back - and now he also knows how to find the brooms, when it's his turn to sweep the pavilion!

Good luck next week.

Chairman.

Knobs 2 Dun Cow 5

We put our 6 game winning streak (8 unbeaten) on the line against county champs Dun Cow.  We knew this was going to be tough, especially those of us who used to line up against Garston each pre-season for our annual mauling.  Anyone who beat Garston in the cup final was going to be good.

A couple of our steady and solid back 4 were unavailable for various reasons which was not ideal so we had a bit of a reshuffle at the back.  Gavin, carrying a slight hip injury slotted in at right back, a returning Martyn slotted in at centre back.

In hindsight, talking Dun Cow up may not have been a good idea!  Dun Cow were very, very good.  They passed the ball well and quickly but no better than Owens (league Champs) had when they visited us back in December.  Against Owens we dug in and were robbed at the end. From the kick off in this game some players were like rabbits in headlights. Over the past 2 months we have played some great football.  For the first half of this game some of our players just wanted rid of the ball and lumped it away.  Getting it back again was hard! There was very little of the passing football we had been good at recently and not many options for a Knobs player in possession.

The first goal we conceded was “one of those things”.  Tony C who has been in a great spell of form and who made a number of great saves throughout just got it wrong and let the ball through him from a cross shot.  He’d save the next 10 if they were hit at him the same.  Unfortunately a few heads dropped and a few moans started to escape people’s lips.  Not long after, the 2nd Dun Cow goal was scored.  The striker took an early shot through defenders which gave Tony little chance.  We were 2 down in about 15 minutes so this was to be a test of character.

We finally dug in and despite little possession we harried, chased (a lot) and limited the chances.  It looked like we would get to half time at 2-0 down and have a chance to regroup.  Unfortunately Roberto Carlos chose the final minute of the half to Rugby tackle a DC player in our box.  It was a needless challenge and James was keen to point that out to him!  So we trudged off 3-0 down and dispirited.

Half time was memorable!  We had 2 subs (Banksy and Rob H).  Banksy went up top whilst Dave M had a rest.  Rob H returned after a whole season out.  He said he was not fit enough to play in the mid field yet so he was asked to play left back for Roberto.  Roberto clearly still “emotional” after giving away the penalty picked up his stuff and declared he was going home!  This left us all stunned and Greg fearing he’d have to sweep the changing rooms rather than Roberto, went after him to persuade him to come back. 

With Rob eventually slotting in at right back and Gavin at left we kicked off and went straight on the attack.  Silly us.  They countered and despite a miraculous goal line clearance from Gavin they scored from the resulting corner.  2 minutes later it looked like deja vu as again the ball slid of Gavin’s head on the goal line, this time though into his own net.  5-0 with 35 minutes to go.  Oh dear!

We’d talked at half time about wanting the ball and trying to play and it being better giving it away trying to play than punting it away.  The penny seemed to drop despite the score line and we starting keeping the ball for longer, playing some 1-2s and gaining some territory.  We were still working hard when they had the ball and Tony made a couple of great saves but it was much better.  Jono put in a real shift up front.

We made a couple of subs, with Dave M replacing Bully and going to right midfield, Paul moving to the middle.  Roberto (toys back in pram) returned to left back to give Gavin’s hips a rest.
Finally we put a good move together.  We released Dave down the right who using his pace went past his man, slotting a perfectly weighted ball in between the centre backs for Banksy to run onto.  Banksy had no choice but to shoot first time and did so with great accuracy finding the far corner of the goal.

Ten minutes later more Knobs pressure led to a corner.  Our 2 centre backs decided they would wait on the half way line to give our shorter players a chance to score.  The corner came in and looked to be well cleared by Dun Cow.  However it fell to Roberto on our left who sent back a lob from a full 35 yards over the despairing keeper and under the cross bar.  He could have been at home sulking but instead he has a goal he’ll always remember!

And that is how it ended.  If only we hadn’t let in a soft first and a silly penalty it would have looked a respectable score.  We didn’t deserve a draw as they were by far the better team.  But there were many positives. The biggest one was that we are the only team to score more than 1 goal against them all season. Owens, Welwyn, Rickmansworth, Garston didn’t manage that!

Off to the pub.  No opposition turned up and only a few of us.  Instead of the brown stuff we all had bacon sandwiches! (The bacon was brown.)

Knobs 3 Goldings 0

On the back of 5 straight wins and playing a team we beat 2-0 away earlier in the season confidence was high amongst the team.

The hat-trick heroes from the previous 2 games were away together on a narrow boat holiday so we were an inform striker and a Banksy light but such is the depth of the squad and attacking players this season that we could field strong replacements so the management were not concerned.  We felt the only thing that could beat us was our own complacency.

Goldings have 1 tactic.  The hoof!  They have 1 decent player who Ron, every time we played them over the past 5 years, used to tell us was 29. He still looks the youngest in the team, plays up front and is the recipient of each hoof up pitch.  It didn’t take too long at the weekly management meeting for the management to come up with a plan to nullify this tactic by giving James the job of marking him supported by Richard.

We kicked off and Goldings proceeded to lump the ball up pitch on every occasion. In response, either James or Richard headed it back and when Peter Pan pulled out to our left the self-declared “Roberto Carlos” (Lee) did the same thing.  Other than a rugby tackle on James, Peter Pan did very little and ended up asking to play in midfield half way through the 2nd half.  He didn’t get many touches in there either and with no big lump to aim at up front Goldings run out of ideas.

With the 1 and only threat cancelled out Tony C remained pretty much a spectator throughout.  He had the odd goal kick, ran off his line a few times, shouted some abuse and that was it.  The back 4 played as a unit, supported each other throughout with Tony K and Lee raiding down the flanks at will.  A great platform for the team to play from.

On the odd occasion Goldings tried to play through the middle Bully and Darren simply took the ball off them with ease and launched further attacks.  Gerry and Greg on the wings were getting on the ball and causing problems and preventing Goldings’ wingers getting the ball.  Total midfield domination throughout.

There was lots of possession and lots of great passing football with every single player involved.  Paul and Jonno up front showed great movement, held the ball up for the midfielders to join the attacks and terrorised the Golding back 4 all game.

It was about 15 minutes in that we scored our first.  A pass out of defence up to Jonno’s feet was flicked wide for the on running Darren.  Darren’s cross from near the right corner flag was met by a thundering header from Jonno, leaving the keeper with no chance.  It was the least we deserved even at that early stage having had a few half chances and shots saved.

We continued to dominate for the rest of the half but no further goals followed. 

Dave was happy at half time and brought himself on at left back and Gavin on at right midfield.

We were even more dominant in the 2nd half but best of all passed the ball with confidence.  It was no wonder Golding tired as they spent most of the game chasing the ball.  When they did get it, we won it straight back.

Paul got his deserved goal early in the second half.  He picked the ball up 10 yards out and sent a rocket into the top right of the Goldings goal.  Again, no chance for the keeper who was clearly tired from hoofing the ball up the pitch every few minutes.

The 3rd goal came when Roberto Carlos, back at left back after a breather, collected a ball at the byline just inside the Goldings box on the left, cut the ball back to the on running Darren who slid the ball in from inside the 6 yard box despite Jonno stamping on his foot.

And there you have it.  6 straight wins!

We scored 3 probably had 70% possession and every player played well.  You couldn’t ask for more.

Next week we have a league game against new boys Rickmansworth town.  Dare we dream of making it 7 straight wins?

Sandridge Rovers 0 Knobs 5

With the Knobs enjoying a 4 game winning streak, there was a confident and jovial mood in the dressing room pre-match. We had a brief visit from one of the Sandridge players advising us that we had a young ref who was 'learning his trade' and 'might do things by the letter of the law'. We had to take it easy on him he said, unfortunately half our team had already headed out to the pitch so didn't hear the briefing!

Fair play to anyone willing to get in their black kit and try to referee 22 players over 35. Especially if you dont look a day over 17 and are about 5 ft 6. Luckily for him, Dave J was starting in his role as calm manager instead of feisty midfielder, Tony was going to keep his hands for pushing the ball away instead of opposition players. Of our two big lads who find the opposition get wound up in their vicinity, often for no good reason, James wasn't playing and Jono was starting as linesman. Let's hope the young referee would have a nice easy game then with no tricky decisions!!

The pitch was extremely hard, the weather extremely overcast. The kit, (Dave M had actually used his wife to wash it instead of the washing machine, she still has the bruises), was extremely orange, could the Knobs make the opposition look like lemons??

We started well, playing some neat short passes and switching play across the field. The referee stamped his authority on the game, blowing his whistle to get the Sandridge player to hurry up with his throw on (he was clearly time wasting after 10 mins at 0-0!) As the half went on Sandridge began to play better, dominating possession at times, playing some good football but without really looking threatening. It was during this spell, midway through the half that we scored on the counter attack, breaking down the left with pace,  Banksy played in Dave M who slotted the ball home with his weaker right foot under the oncoming keeper.

The rest of the half ebbed and flowed, Sandridge hit the post and Tony made a fine save diving low to his right. Apart from that, the back 4 looked well organised and Paul and Bully were beginning to dominate the centre of the park as the half drew to a close. At one point Paul shouted 'Pauls up' so loud as he went to head one of their goal kicks that their midfielder did a bit of wee, and some small children in the playground adjacent to the pitch began to cry! We had a few chances but our shots were troubling the trees behind the goal more than the opposition keeper. We went in at half time with a 1-0 lead.

The half time team talk was inspirational as always. Dave M suggested we were doing some things well and some things badly (without explaining what). Tony congratulated Greg on a great finish for his goal that was actually scored by his brother. Others talked of having more time on the ball, passing to feet, and splitting the defence with through balls, etc etc. Dave J suggested we spread the ball out wide, stating that Greg was always there waiting for it. However he wouldn't actually be on the pitch for the first 20 mins of the 2nd half as moments later he substituted Greg for himself! Banksy was also replaced by Jono. Greg let Dave J know that he had his shorts on inside out (its an over 50 thing) and we went back on ready to turn the halftime master plan into action.

The teams were all set to go, but the referee wasn't anywhere to be seen. A few minutes passed and he still wasn't there. We began to think that after a fair few complaints about decisions from both teams in the first half, he might of called it day with refereeing and gone back to his paper round instead. Maybe he'd got himself locked in the toilet, maybe they'd refused to serve him at the bar? Maybe he was reading his referees manual? No one will ever know but eventually he reappeared to ironic cheers.

We started the second half brightly, camped in the Sandridge half. 10 minutes in, Bully whipped in a corner, Paul found himself free at the back stick and sent a powerful header towards goal. There was a great save on the line, but it was a defender not the keeper who had got their hands to it. It was a clear penalty and by the letter of the law, a sending off too. The ref blew his whistle, marched over, digging in his pockets for his cards. He was going to give his first red card of a glittering career in football officiating, it was exciting, his heart was pumping, this was the moment...............or was it?!? As Bully picked up the ball for the penalty, the linesman, perhaps predicting his team would soon be 2 nil down and a man down, declared the ball had in fact crossed the line already, attempting to limit the punishment. After a few moments of confusion, the ref awarded the goal that probably wasn't and somewhat disappointedly branded just a yellow card to the offending defender.

Not soon after this the ref was faced with another contentious decision when their goalkeeper picked up a back pass. He awarded the free kick inside the Sandridge box but the wall did its job and nothing came of it.

With a 2-0 buffer, the Knobs were playing with more confidence and were dominating the game. After 20 mins Greg and Banksy were back on in place of Phil and Lee who had both had solid games, and would be available on the flanks as per the half time team talk! Surprising enough, the ball actually did find its way to Greg on the flank as per the half time team talk, now Greg was under pressure to do something with it. He drove in towards the 18 yard line, with Dave M pulling the defender out with a run to the right, a couple of touches, he shaped for a shot, head down, with the outside of his right boot aiming to curl it into the top left corner. It nestled beautifully in the bottom right corner instead with the keeper bamboozled and rooted to the spot! No one would ever know and he had his Harry Kane moment!! 3-0.

Shortly after and again the ball was loose on the right, with the Sandridge defender hesitating just inside his own half, Greg battled past him and laid the ball off to Dave M. Greg went for the one two in space on the right, Bully called for it just to his left, but Dave had other ideas, and as they were about to curse him for not passing, he curled the ball left footed into the spot in the top left corner his brother had aimed for moments earlier. A goal of the season contender! 4-0.

This was glorious stuff, Sandridge were deflated, Knobs were on fire! With ten minutes left, Jono picked up the ball on the left and delivered a great cross field ball into the area. Dave M was there to meet it and headed it over the keeper back across the goal. It looped in under the bar and over the line, he'd completed his perfect hat trick! Right foot (rarely happens), left foot (often happens) and a header (never happens!) Well done Dave, you can now retire from football as this is probably as good as it will get!! 5-0.

As the game entered the final minutes, Sandridge searched for consultation, there was a goalmouth scramble, a penalty appeal, a couple of potshots, but the Knobs defence held firm and the clean sheet kept. Dave M had a chance to make it 6 with the last kick of the game but it wasn't to be, this time the shot from just outside the box sailed just over the bar.

The referee blew his whistle, he'd had a testing game, he'd got the big decisions right, made a couple of shockers, it had been a learning experience. He probably won't be back for more!!

Half the team went for beer and a sausage sandwich after the match. Dave J was tempted to join the other SAGA members in the adjoining function room, but controlled the urge to be amongst his own, and instead sat and enjoyed the banter about refereeing decisions, clinical goalscoring and managerial decision making with the under 50's.

A cracking second half display particularly, 5th straight win, 2nd consecutive hat trick, let's hope the Knobs can keep their feet on the ground, keep working hard and continue this winning run. Well played everyone.

Knobs 4 Walkern 1

This was a good performance by the team, with an outstanding contribution by Banksy (Steve Banks), who scored a hat-trick, and possibly all four of our goals.

The ground was hard, the ball bobbled, and the wind blew – not great conditions, but we passed the ball around slickly at times. Everyone did well, but I thought that Bully had one of his best games. The other star of the first half was Katie Boyle, fetching the ball on her electric scooter… We went ahead after about 15 minutes with a scrappy goal following a corner (more of that later). Running the team in the absence of our esteemed joint managers, I changed the formation after about 25 minutes, but we were not so effective in the second quarter (I can’t work out why!), so I reverted back to Dazza’s outline formation at half time.

Second half: I was worried that playing into the wind would be much harder – it was for Good Tony’s goal kicks – but otherwise we coped well, and we were lifted by Gavin coming on to do his amazing, dribbling runs with the ball stuck to his feet. We scored again when Banksy was left unmarked to head in a corner (Was there some pushing in the box? From the half way line, I couldn’t see it).

After a tussle between Tony K and their forward, Tony C then had a rush of blood to the head and ‘vigorously pushed’ the Walkern player. Handbags followed, naturally. The ball had still been live, so, when all had calmed down, Les correctly blew for a penalty, which was tucked right into the corner.

I had very nearly substituted Tony C for his excessive reaction, but I was glad that I didn’t when he then made two quite superb saves to keep us in the lead, and redeem his earlier error, I suppose. At the other end, Banksy then pounced on a loose ball in their defence, went around the keeper and scored again: 3-1 to us.

Finally, a good move (starting with my tackle at the back) saw us move the ball forward to Gavin. After dribbling superbly past about three of their players, he slipped the ball to someone who can finish, and Banksy hit an amazing first-time lob over the keeper into the far corner. 4-1 to us: exactly the same score as when we played them in early September.

I reminded Walkern that we would be supplying food at The Station. ‘We hate playing you’, they said, but, to their great credit, a good number of them joined us for some semi-cooked sausages.

The final conundrum: our first goal. Banksy hit his shot: it hit their man on the goal-line, then rebounded off their ‘keeper into the net. An own goal, or four for Banksy? At professional level, that’s an OG, but at our level? I decided that the fairest thing was to ask our opposition. After some debate, the verdict: ‘Strictly, it’s an OG, but, what the hell, give it to ‘im.’ So, well done, Banksy, let the records show that you scored all four – and when was the last time that happened? As I have always said, he’s an improbable-looking star player, but the boy knows how to find the back of the net.

Best wishes to all.

Chairman Al.

Harpenden Rovers 0 Knobs 4

Our Joint Manager looked surprisingly unaffected by his party excesses, and was determined to celebrate his major milestone by coming off the bench in this vital league match. First omens didn’t look great: Dazza and Tony C took a decidedly scenic route to Harpenden, and the rain was lashing down sideways. We were all bamboozled by the Gaelic when Jonno asked if anyone had taaaaaape (to tie his socks up).

The beginning of the match was tight, and not much happened, except that the wind was so strong that the ball spent most of the time out of play, over the right (downwind) touchline. After 10 minutes, however, a punt upfield by Tony C was flicked on to Jonno. He beat the disorganised defence, teed up the shot perfectly on his left foot – and promptly swapped feet and finished with his right. Their poor keeper had no chance. A few minutes later, Dave M produced a classy finish for another breakaway goal.

Dave K’s muscles must be outgrowing his socks, because he keeps getting sprains. It’s tough, and happens to the best, as Daniel Sturridge and Liverpool know too well. Having just recovered from the previous sprain, poor Dave K had to jog off after 15 minutes, to be ably replaced by the indomitable Chris C.

For our third, Harpenden cleared a corner. Chris C passed it back to me, the last man, on the half way line. In the blustery conditions, Dazza was convinced that I would simply hoof it upfield. When I passed it wide to him, however, he overcame the shock to slip Dave M in on goal. The keeper saved Dave’s shot, but it fell at the feet of Tony K, on the left side of the box, for a tap-in. Goodness knows why he was still up there – he was playing right full back – but he wasn’t going to miss. Our fourth was another effort by our Irish thoroughbred, who looked very dangerous every time that he got possession.

4-0 at half time! It couldn’t get any better, could it? Well, no. Unless you count a battling defensive performance, as the rain made the conditions much trickier. Dave J brightened up the second half when he brought himself on for Jonno. Dave was clearly determined to make his mark on the game - and he soon did this on their right back. It looked painful from 50 yards away. After the predictable (and childish) handbags, nobody got sent off, but it was like having Ron back – playing on the edge: a human hand grenade, liable to explode at any minute.

Dave J nearly scored, but was so upset to drag his shot tamely wide. Paul managed to hit two shots straight at their keeper when it looked easier to score – he had the strange experience of leaving the pitch at the end, having won 4-0, but feeling disappointed! Never mind, both of you, your times will come again.

Everyone played well: lots of superb running and tackling from all of the midfielders, and we were solid at the back. A special mention, however, must go to Tony C in goal – I thought that he was superb. He made some good saves; his kicking was excellent, but he made the defence’s game so much easier with good early calls and sprints off his line to clear or claim the ball. He was absolutely fearless, charging in for balls which he had no right to reach, and connecting with the ball every time. Woe betide any forward who got in his way!

After such a good result, it was a pity that only three of us made the short trip to the Carpenters Arms. I trod on a small dog on the way in (well, it did look like an untidy doormat); the ale was excellent, and Dave J, Dave K and I were noble enough to eat the sausage sandwiches on behalf of the rest of the side.

With both Joint Managers away, I will be entrusted with running the side for our next game, so mind what you write on that blog!

Best wishes to all. Chairman.

Team: Tony C; Tony K, Richard, Chairman Al, Dave K (Chris C); Paul; Dazza, Bully, Greg; Dave M, Joon (Dave J).

Knobs 1 Sandridge Rovers 0

This had 0-0 written all over it but somehow we came out smiling with a 1-0 victory against a very willing opposition.  Call it good fortune but Dave would suggest it was inspired management that won the game and we’ll come back to that later.

The game took a while to get going, as Dave said, we were living in fear of a bobble and therefore we were rushing our play but having said that, they harassed us well and Darren pointed out at half time that we didn’t harass them enough.  Thankfully though they didn’t possess much threat up front and when they did, it was soon snuffed out by James and Richard.  I remember them having a break away from our corner but to be honest, I can’t remember Jake having to make a save all match but maybe I’m wrong.  Our biggest threat seemed to be the long ball over the top to Jono or in-swinging corners and free kicks from Bully but even then, we didn’t really threaten and we hardly tested their keeper.

In the second half other than the effort and closing down not much improved even though a couple of changes had been made.  There is no doubt the pitch did make it difficult to play.  Then Dave had an inspiration, he knew the only way the game could be saved was by bringing on his choo-choo train alongside Dave M and Gavin.  By that stage we had an ultra-attacking line-up but still little threat barring some long shots by Paul.  He had earlier been called a ‘doughnut’ by his 6 year old son in the changing room, which was harsh but when he came on, he gave his normal physically robust performance and always looks classy.  Anyway, those substitutions finally led to a goal after we had built up some pressure.  After knocking the ball about a bit, James found himself on the wing and curled in a beautiful cross that Gavin superbly anticipated, to set up his quizmaster partner Darren to smash home his volley from 5 yards.  He was clearly delighted because the celebration was of pure joy…as if a goal was totally unexpected.

I think we had a couple more chances but nothing too noticeable and they never looked like scoring even when there was a bit of pressure put on at the end.

Well done to everyone involved in what was a tight if forgettable match where we came out on top.  In the pub afterwards, the team enjoyed ’50 shades of beige’ (as shared with @KNOBSFC) and plenty of banter no doubt. 

Starting XI – Jake, Tony K, Richard, James, Chris Cox, Gavin, Darren, Bully, Martyn, Dave M and Jono. Subs: Paul, Banksy and Dave J.

Stotfold 2 Knobs 4

A Baldock 3G astroturf pitch was the venue for this friendly against Stotfold. The even surface would surely enable the Knobs to display some slick passing and movement that the mud and grass so often interferes with.

The squad had a Europa Cup feel about it with the management giving some of our fringe players their chance to impress. The tight fitting bumblebee black and yellow kit was somehow preferred to the much more comfortable high vis orange option, despite no obvious clash with the home teams blue and purple colours. The number of beer bellies on display wouldn't exactly strike fear into any opposition worth their salt, but had Stotfold been lured into a false sense of security?

Dave J donned the goalkeeper's jersey, and was called into action early making a miraculous one-handed reflex save. The confidence of knowing we had such a safe pair of hands at the back flowed through the team and soon after Dave M opened the scoring, slotting deftly home with his favoured left foot, after Steve had split the defence with a lovely through-ball.

Although not exactly dominating, we looked the most dangerous team, and we duly went 2-0 up as Steve volleyed home brilliantly after some good work by Lee. Stotfold were shell shocked.
Midway through the half it was time for the first inspired substitution of the match. Twiggy was brought on for Chris and made an immediate impact. Unfortunately that impact was the ball striking his hand. For the second week running, we let the ball bounce across the six yard line after a well worked Stotfold short corner. Twiggy threw himself in to the action, a point-blank block was his first touch, more in self defence than anything else, however his hand was deemed to be in an unnatural position. Or perhaps it was being on the pitch at all which was the unnatural position. Twiggy would work hard through the rest of the match to make amends for this unfortunate start. Facing the penalty, Dave J opted to cover the centre of his goal, which he did admirably, unfortunately the ball was placed several feet away in the bottom corner. He dived belatedly, meaning when he stood up he was closer to where the ball had nestled in the back of the net some time earlier.

The game ebbed and flowed, but we regained our two goal advantage towards the end of the half. The gaffers second substitution proved more effective than the first. Greg was hauled off for a breather after a lackluster first 30 mins and it was his replacement that provided the next bit of magic. Gerry's deflected shot from outside the box looped over their keeper, and we went in at the break with the score at a slightly flattering 3-1.

In the second half, relations between the teams deteriorated along with the weather. One of their players took exception to the nature of James' tackle, which is perhaps understandable. He then tracked him across the pitch and gave James a bit back. Handbags ensued, and a couple of minutes later the yellow card was produced for their chap. A foul on Lee went unpunished on one side of the pitch, but when Dave M did the same on the other side the referee blew up, admittedly the Stotfold player went down pretty hard and took some time to get back up (unlike Lee who bounced straight back into action).

The referee kept control pretty well in increasingly difficult circumstances, although he seemed to have lost the use of his arms, resulting in confusion around several decisions. Also the use of the phrase "OK you can have that one" on a number of occasions made it feel like the ref himself was not sure if he was making the right call. However as he was by far the biggest and meanest looking bloke on the field, no-one complained too strongly.

As the half wore on we were increasingly playing on the back foot. They closed the gap to one with another penalty, this time Ali tripping their forward on the corner of the box as he headed safely towards the touchline. Dave's unorthodox approach to saving the penalty this time involved running in the direction of the post, which turned out to be where the ball was subsequently struck, before forgetting to dive, and allowing the ball to trickle in. Still, unbeaten from open play and all that.
At 3-2 up with 15 minutes remaining, the defending ranged from desperate to inspired and back to comical, including a goal line clearance. Backs were against walls and it looked like we might concede again, but matters were settled when Dave M wrapped up the metaphorical three points, and relieved the tension. Greg, reintroduced after 15 minutes of the 2nd half, played him in with a delightful back heel and this time Dave passed the ball into the net with his unfavoured right foot after neat work in the box. There would be no time for him to complete a perfect hatrick with a header, but having said that, we could of played on for hours and that would of been unlikely.
Overall the defence held up well through some tough spells of pressure, the midfield worked tirelessly as always and the strikers took their chances with some clinical finishing. The manager made some important saves and some... err... substitutions.

So a great result and a decent battling performance...but who will get the nod for next week? And more importantly, will we ever see the orange kit again? We hope so.

Knobs 2 MBDA 2

After a few weeks off due to weather / over cautious groundsmen we were set to play MBDA away in Walkern.  The day before the game we were told the pitch wasn’t playable!  With some hasty enquiries and some strong negotiations we moved the game to our home pitch.

The spirit in the changing room was good.  Dave J though was subdued, was walking funny and was clearly still feeling it (whatever “it” is) from his trip to see 50 shades at the cinema.  This may have been a reason he read his own team sheet out wrongly resulting in 12 people lining up at kick off.

Lee and Greg arrived late and won the sweeping honours, Lee promised to arrive at 9 AM next time.  Our foreign signing Jono said something which may have been motivating, Dave K sat still in his y-fronts whilst some of the team admired his torso.  Normal service had resumed.

After hearing about the farcical new goals being used the day before the team elected to get the old goals up.  At this point we had forgotten it was an away game and MBDA should have put up the goals.       
The game kicked off (after our 12 man left the field) and we looked like a team who has not played for a while.  2 minutes in, the ball was thrown into our box and allowed to bounce all the way into the 6 yard box and was tapped in.  One of the poorest goals we have let in this season.  We were still confident but were 2nd best for most of the half.  We were not winning the 50/50s and were 2nd to most loose balls.  Very unlike us. 

Shortly after the goal Dave K’s calf muscle burst and he limped off to be replaced by Chris C.  Still, he lasted longer than Paul Matthews does each game.

It was the first bit of quality play of the match that resulted in us scoring a great team goal.  The ball was played into Jono’s feet from Bully on the edge of our box, Jono flicked the ball to Darren running from the midfield, Darren fed Dave M who had peeled left, Dave M slipped the ball into the path of Lee who just had the keeper to beat from the angle.  Lee produced a sumptuous chip over the advancing keeper.

Special mention must go to Martyn who decided to pick up the ball and ask the ref for a foul whilst standing in his own D.  Fortunately for Martyn the resulting free kick MBDA got went over!

For the rest of the half the game followed the same pattern.  MBDA had more of the ball and spent more time in our half.  It was against the run of play that we scored our second goal.  This time we had gone forward in numbers and had men in their box.  The ball was half cleared under pressure but fell to Greg on the edge of the box.  Greg returned the ball with interest, a swerving dipping shot which beat the keeper easily.  Greg declared the shot was from 30 yards.

Birthday boy Banksy was brought on just before half time in another of his non-favoured positions, right back.

At half time we had the lead but had not played well.  Unusual for us as we have not had much luck this season!

Dave was still struggling and so Director of Football John arranged for Mrs Director of Football to give the half time team talk.  This clearly had a positive effect as the 2nd half performance was more like how we had been playing for most of the season.

From the off we dominated possession and chances.  We had a few free kicks on the edge of the box.  The keeper made a wonder save which goal line technology would have given us a goal for. The birthday boy missed a 1 yard side foot into an empty goal and the trees, corner flags and tennis courts took a peppering from our forwards.  We must have had a dozen shots to their 3.  Of their 3, 1 hit the cross bar, 1 just missed and the 3rd was a goal from the needless penalty we gave them.

The birthday boy withdrew from the match as the ground was too soft for him.

In the end we were frustrated to have drawn the match.  We should have put the game to bed many times over in the 2nd half but it was one of those days.

Most of us then went off to the pub to eat some brown with brown sauce and hear about the 2 wonder goals from the goal scorers when they finally arrived back from cleaning duty.

We were all delighted for the birthday boy when he won the scratch card but less so when he pocketed the cash and went home.

Next game is a friendly on Astro in Baldock.  The management dream team will be using the game to try out a few different tactics, players and line ups!

Blunham 0 Knobs 2

Our annual trip north up the A1.  Again, too many players made themselves available leaving the management dream team with the task of ruining squad members’ weekends by telling them they had been selected.

The weekly management meeting had gone well and the starting 11 selected and game plan devised.  Management were confident after last week that we could beat our old rivals who had somehow beat us 3-2 earlier this season at the Rec.

Friday night, Chairman Al advised of his withdrawal.  A replacement was drafted and plans amended.  All toe-punts were dropped from the game plan.

Saturday afternoon, Martyn withdrew.  Another replacement was drafted and again plans were amended.  All step overs and flicks were dropped from the game plan.

Saturday night, Dave K withdrew. Another replacement was drafted and again plans were amended. All left hooks and right jabs were dropped from the game plan.

Fortunately everyone else turned up (big thanks to the late replacements!!) and there was a confidence amongst those in the away dressing room. With dropouts and injury there were a few changes from the week before. Dan stepped in for the injured Tony C in goal, Greg slotted in alongside James at centre back, the gaol machine dropped to left back, Chris Cox started the game at left midfield and Jono lined up on the right of midfield.

The game kicked off and Paul injured himself.  He shall now be known as Gary Baldi, clearly being made of biscuits.  If Norris McWhirter was still alive he could tell us if Paul holds the “least minutes played per injury” record.

A very early change was made and on came Banksy on the right and Jono went up front.  It would have been understandable if all the changes and disruption had affected the team but it didn’t.  Having 2 balls to warm up with this week clearly helped as the team started well and maintained the performance throughout.

In terms of a team performance this may have been the best so far this season.  Everyone pressed, tackled, passed and supported throughout.  There was some great football and not many spells where Blunham kept the ball for any length of time.  We spent most of the game in their half and with the ball.  On the rare occasion they broke it was solitary attacks from a long ball and all were snuffed out by the back 4.  James had a particularly good game winning every tackle and occasionally overlapping the forwards as we attacked.  It didn’t look like Greg’s first game at centre back for us and he showed some nice distribution of the ball into midfield.  The wingers when not panting were getting up and down well, supported by Bren and Tony at full back and Bully and Darren dominated the middle with energy and good inter passing and received great support when an extra man appeared. Dave J gave himself 30 minutes it was that easy for us! Everyone deserves praise.

The goals –

Having had quite a few long shots from the midfielders which didn’t trouble the keeper much (too many to remember but can think of Darren 3, Chris C, Banksy (still rising)) the keeper faced a penalty from Bully following a trip on Lee in the box early in the 2nd half.  Not a single complaint about the foul which is unusual for Sunday football.   As per the previous week, Bully rolled the penalty in and we took the lead.

Half way through the 2nd half a long ball over hit into our box was collected by Dan and he quickly launched it up the pitch.  Before we could moan at Dan for not taking his time the ball was controlled immaculately by Jono inside the Blunham half, he glided past the 2 defenders and struck the ball past the goalie (who was diving the wrong way).  A great goal.

Although he didn’t score, Dave M put in a real shift up front, was unlucky to see a shot come back of the post in the first half and gave Blunham problems all game.

Dan’s only real save was from Tony K, the adjudged back pass the only real threat we faced. (we charged down the free kick so even that wasn’t much threat).

Back to the changing rooms for some more hilarity and onto the club house for jacket spuds with chilli. 

We must have played well as we were asked by Blunham if we had brought in some new players since we last played them!

Knobs 1 Welwyn Sports 2

Despite the subarctic conditions in the days leading up to the game, the forecasted overnight snow and deep frost did not arrive and so the game was on.  A match the day before on our pitch ensured the mud was nice and soft. It was the sort of mud that covers your boots before you even kick off.  Just what you need when you haven’t played for 5 weeks!

Our adversaries were table topping Welwyn Sports.  The last time we played them was towards the end of last season and despite lots of praise for the effort we put in we lost 7-0!

Just how far have we come this season?  Quite a way based on this result and performance.

The management dream team had the luxury again of too many players to choose from so went with the system they used the week before.  Dan and Martyn were the last to arrive and this resulted in the usual penalty of cleaning the pavilion.  Not a good week for this chore or Martyn who took a very muddy kit home!

Dave Knights made his return after a long injury lay off and tried to hide in the corner but was still subjected to repeated abuse over his non-flagging of a goal kick back on the 9th of December.  Forgive and forget?  Nope.  He did display his lovely new spray tan he bought himself for Christmas though.  No tan lines!

Gerry arrived with the kit which he had almost washed.  Some of us looked like we had played a match before we left the changing room.

Anyway, the goals were put up and we realised that just 1 thing was missing.  Balls.

Attempts to steal the first / reserve team balls were thwarted when Dan L broke the lock to the cupboard.  James phoned his wife and asked her to pop into loft to see if he had left them up there!?  He hadn’t.  So everyone decided to blame absent Chairman Al for taking the balls home at the end of the last game.  The fact he didn’t play in that game was irrelevant.  (does anyone know where our balls are please!?)

So we scrounged a ball from Welwyn and with no proper warm up we kicked off. 

As expected Welwyn settled into the game quicker (they had warmed up!) but were not creating much in the final third.  Surprisingly after 5 weeks we showed great fitness and discipline and kept our shape well.  Tony C collected a few over hit long balls but didn’t need to make any tough saves.  We were troubling them down both flanks, especially our right with Tony K and Gerry working well together.  In fact it was Tony K who had our first clear chance when a ball floated over their left back by Darren A put Tony through, his shot unfortunately going past the far post.

With Paul M acting as target man and the pacey Dave M playing off him with his pace we always have a chance in matches.  Unfortunately after a couple of pacey runs Dave was chopped down (again) and hobbled off to the side line.  A blow indeed as pace gives you a chance against any team.  Anyone remember a player called Gavin?

A change of plan was needed with Dan coming on which meant we were playing 2 hold up men up front.  The midfield needed to get closer to the front men.  We continued to defend well and Welwyn were getting more frustrated.  Their passes were getting longer and were easily defended by James and Martyn down the middle and their frequent balls towards our left back were cleaned up by Dave K.

With Bully and Darren A putting the miles in covering the middle of the park a tackle in the middle by Darren A and a quick pass released Brendan (goal machine) down the left.  The ball was eventually crossed to Darren A who had kept running into the box and as he flicked the ball on with his head he was mounted from behind ending up flat on the ground.  Les pointed to the spot and up stepped Bully who despite telling Welwyn he will go left and the keeper diving that way found the inside of the side netting for the perfect spot kick.  1-0 Knobs.

It was all going so well.  And then it wasn’t.  A Welwyn corner resulted in a soft equaliser.  Tony C charged out, the ball was headed skywards over him and as it eventually fell to earth, none of our 3 players on the line seemed to want to clear it and it gently fell into our goal. Cack.

The 2nd half came and went with the same determined defending and solid shape but the boggy pitch and 5 week break began to take its toll.  The last 20 minutes we just couldn’t keep the ball and more passes were mishit or long balls over hit as we tired.  Tony C still didn’t have too much to do.  More than their keeper but no need to make big saves.

The Welwyn winner when it came was a bit scrappy and a big relief to them as they looked like they had run out of ideas.  Their player with the very heavy beard which meant he couldn’t stand up for very long again fell over in our box.  As a couple of Welwyn players inevitably claimed a penalty (it wasn’t) the ball squirmed to an un-marked man in the box who managed to shoot through a crowd of players into our net. Harsh!

The only other thing of note was Dave K reminding us of his debut by again clocking one of their players in the mouth for swinging an arm at his face.  Fair enough and very entertaining. Les didn’t see it (shock!) so we agreed to remove both players to cool off.

Most of us and them retired to the new improved Station pub 2.0 where we received more brown stuff than we could possibly eat.  The latest brown item being a mini pasty.  Dan and Martyn spent 30 minutes cleaning up the pavilion.

Next game is away at the surprise 2nd place team Blunham.  We lost 2-3 at home earlier this season.  We can do them!