Therfield 2 Knobs 3

Comfortable as 10 men laboured against 10 on a silent, balmy October day. unnerving tranquillity- probably contributed to low energy levels of both sides and a true veterans' game ensued.

Scoring- Phil smashes home a 25 yd left footer before they equalise with a speculative high one- too high for pygmy boy. Second half Carl's spilled shot was gobbled up by Richard following in, quickly followed by a Chris Wilson effort. Late on Therfield found three men unmarked on the far post- loitering there from a move which broke down some five hours earlier- one of them picked his spot.
We missed loads- some good saves- some shots just wide and some only-the goalie to beat. Stand up John T and stand up that late arrival Mark -the- canary, but to us, the- camel- Mills. Eh lad but yer a rusty camel- yer need a good fuckin oiling.
Mark, having misread 3 e-mails, turned up toward end of first half. (Discussion on non received e- mails ensues- they nearly score). "How many have we got?" "10, get changed" (Discussion on viral complaint that has laid him low these past days- they attack again). "Mark I'm trying to create a passable impression of playing in goal, go and get changed if yer up to playing".
Half time comes and goes, comes and goes, comes and goes, the weather continues balmy, Mark is somewhere, we change ends for so is the custom...zzzzzzzz!
Ten minutes into second half Mark arrives, resplendent in orange, rarin' to go!
"Have yer got any shinpads?" "Nah a dinna use them n if a had ad be wearin them"
"Have yer got any shinpads?" We defend a corner successfully. "Nah play without them".
"Chris have yer got any shinpads?". Phil queries whether we are getting an eleventh man. "In probability no, but yer never can tell- can yer function with a camel?"
5 minutes later, possibly an aeon, "is the dressing room open?", for it is he! "How div a knaa if the dressin room's open am tryin to play in goal ower here". "Have you got the key?"
Silence, they nearly score. "Hev a got the key?- what's gannin on here?"
Some time later a think al try summat clivvor, dribble the baal oot and pass it. First part accomplished but just as I was ganna pass to the left, a sudden realisation that the recipient of the pass was fully clad on the line but not yet part of play- fuckin hell it's the Marie Celeste at starboard, a change of tack, give the ball away in shock, they nearly score. As Therfield said the eleventh man was very influential. Mark then came on with 20 minutes left and what a sight, he had nae shinpads but he had a pair of ferrets stuffed doon each sock. Didn't help him though they had nae bite.
MARK ARE YOU AVAILABLE SUNDAY AT HOME- OCTOBER 14-10.30 KO? Your turn for the kit.
An aside , hey they had some big lads playing. Nah am mean some really big big lads. Chris took some gettin roond that centre forward. Navigational aids nivvor shin pads were the requisite equipment. Therfield water supply?
Next week Mark and 10 others will take on the might of the Old Pretenders in a friendly.

Half man half biscuit and three quarters bactrian at your service.