Wye worra result ind it shoulda been a win fer the bonny lads o Knebwarth.
Frettin aal week as ti who wiz ganna replace the maestro, gone golfin in Teneriffy a neednt ha bothered. Wid thi few available be up ti thi task o tekkin on the Saints, we hanna droppt i point aal season a wondered, speshally efter thi seasins "do" at Ye Ould Station in Friday neet.
Short of personnel a debut woz given ti Chris fron Walkern and he played up front wi Methuselah. Trevor dropped out , groined out, on Saturday, but he turned up and ran thi line bringin alang two Icelandic pals as subs, G and Runni, pronoonced Rooney. Easy one that. John, the mighty Twigg, took the goalies jersey and splendid he looked, splutter, cough, splutter. We welcomed back for an occasional game Dave's mate, Dave Fish, ironic considering we had two Icelanders on the line.
There were nae goalposts up, another chore, and them little white things for the nets are like goaldust these days. Anyway we set up and off under the firm and fair referee,
Gouty Gavin. We kicked up in first half against a fit and tasty team. Despite comments to the contrary, I and others thought we played well. Some good moves, some pleasant holding up of the ball by us and yet for all their firm, silky movements they had hardly a shot on target, we defended so well. Unfortunately a soft bobbly one was deflected past John and a second goal came through a penalty, heavily disputed by the perpetrator of the push, burger man, but by few others. We had some moments in their area, a good move leading to a past the post header by the highly motivated John and a shot that hit the bar and went over from Dave. Their 22 year old goalkeeper was very commanding in his area. I can spot em, these frauds! I went off and brought on Runni, Brendan was spotted limping and I immediately came back on. Brendan's knees are knackered , we will need to bring the gun to his next game.
Second half and after an early sterile quarter of an hour they started to wilt gannin uphill. They divvint like it up em or gannin uphill it seems.. Millsy had gone at half time to play for Ashwell in the noon and the other norseman came on. The last 15 minutes saw only one likely winner. Their second half keeper, a vet!, kept them in the game with a series of saves from point blank range. A couple of very good ones from John piledrivers. At last one went in from new
boy Chris, who persisted throughout. A penalty, screamed for by many, noone more loudly than Richard, was denied us by the very neutral Gavin (bastard).
Chris scored a second from a right wing cross, volleying in neatly. Hey and we almost won it but were denied by the keeper.
I thought, on a hottish morning, with several players not even on first name terms, with a threadbare squad- you could hardly call 11 of us and two of Trevor's mates a squad actually, I thought we did wonderfully, wonderfully, even wonderfully well. As man of last season Mr Griffiths is wont to say, "we stuuffed those wallies"- well almost.
Mind you league rules drawn up by Saints, Andy, the League's organiser, and agreed by all of us, says you cannot play a player under 30 or you forfeit the game. Their angelic keeper first half ? Three points for the Knobs?
A pleasant few pints in the Station where Dave heroically served the cause selling domino cards and we all went happily home. Everyone friends.
Great!!!!!
Goodbye Sir Ronald
Quack quack
Monday, 18 October 2010
Sunday, 10 October 2010
Harpenden 3 Knobs 0
The achievement of the day seemed to be getting to the ground- albeit 10 minutes after kick off time. Whenever this happens a team starts in disarray and inevitably gets worse and loses. This time proved no different but we battled hard against a better, more inventive and fitter side so there was a slight positive. If we'd been cued in from the start, if we'd had any luck and if they'd been cursed we might have got something from this game but it wasn't to be.
The referee was a star- a starfucker but a star. He'd announced his credentials pre game by informing us that he'd sent off someone last week for calling him a twat. Old Owens goalie, I think, early in the game. So we were warned. He insisted on delaying the late kick off even further with a performance Ann Widdecombe would have been proud of and we bullied off.
True to his word he picked up every curse going and was a bit of a pain, though fairly competent if a bit of a twat!
They proved dangerous on the break with two fast, skilful forwards proving a handful for Chris and Brendan. Full backs needed to tuck in more for cover yet we got to half time, kicking uphill, only the one goal behind, a good shot, tipped onto the post by Trevor, but slotted home by their man who proved the most alert. They were quite dangerous at sniffing out, contesting and picking up the second balls as we stood back admiring some challenge or the other at the first one. Andy was played through and a rasping drive turned over by a very competent keeper. We had lots of corners, nicely delivered, but proved less than interested in really attacking them. They were fairly committed in the middle at the back. One powerful header clear before half time came after their centre half had clattered through Richard. A definite penalty, not given. They were denied one at the other end shortly afterwards and they hit the bar with the ball probably crossing the line but a combination of no Russian linesman and no goal mouth technology got us off the hook. I think I was embarrassed but only for a minute. An eventful first half.
Full of confidence during the half time chat we immediately conceded a poor second goal when play re started when twice they were hungrier for the loose ball than we were. Lots of people said it was Brendan's fault, I'm not too sure. They were really stretching us now. If we supported in attack we proved too light at the back during their speedy counterattacks, if we didn't support going forwards, what little attacking enterprise we showed was down to individual bursts. Players were outnumbered and isolated. Darren H was played in and was tackled hard and fairly by the centre half. It was an excellent tackle saving an certain goal. Richard was clattered for a penalty but the referee (Mrs Twat) consulted their linesman, a substitute, who surprisingly said the foul was outside the area. Idowu couldn't have launched himself that far man. Anyway we were 3-0 down by that time having earlier conceded a header from a corner.
Well done chaps- we'll beat them at home.
If you have not contributed a few bob towards my anti bear farming campaign- 75 miles walked last week- please take heart and do so.
Cheques to "WSPA" or donate to www.justgiving.com/Ronald-Crennell. Come on I just cannot believe you think this is not a worthy cause!
I will never surrender.
Presentation night next Friday at The Station, Knebworth with Fanny Jordan on barbecue duty.
Next Sunday another tough game v Saints. Ron was linesman for the whole game today, everyone was playing so well. He will be back.
"Flag up his arse most of the time and comforting it was" wrote this dirge.
The referee was a star- a starfucker but a star. He'd announced his credentials pre game by informing us that he'd sent off someone last week for calling him a twat. Old Owens goalie, I think, early in the game. So we were warned. He insisted on delaying the late kick off even further with a performance Ann Widdecombe would have been proud of and we bullied off.
True to his word he picked up every curse going and was a bit of a pain, though fairly competent if a bit of a twat!
They proved dangerous on the break with two fast, skilful forwards proving a handful for Chris and Brendan. Full backs needed to tuck in more for cover yet we got to half time, kicking uphill, only the one goal behind, a good shot, tipped onto the post by Trevor, but slotted home by their man who proved the most alert. They were quite dangerous at sniffing out, contesting and picking up the second balls as we stood back admiring some challenge or the other at the first one. Andy was played through and a rasping drive turned over by a very competent keeper. We had lots of corners, nicely delivered, but proved less than interested in really attacking them. They were fairly committed in the middle at the back. One powerful header clear before half time came after their centre half had clattered through Richard. A definite penalty, not given. They were denied one at the other end shortly afterwards and they hit the bar with the ball probably crossing the line but a combination of no Russian linesman and no goal mouth technology got us off the hook. I think I was embarrassed but only for a minute. An eventful first half.
Full of confidence during the half time chat we immediately conceded a poor second goal when play re started when twice they were hungrier for the loose ball than we were. Lots of people said it was Brendan's fault, I'm not too sure. They were really stretching us now. If we supported in attack we proved too light at the back during their speedy counterattacks, if we didn't support going forwards, what little attacking enterprise we showed was down to individual bursts. Players were outnumbered and isolated. Darren H was played in and was tackled hard and fairly by the centre half. It was an excellent tackle saving an certain goal. Richard was clattered for a penalty but the referee (Mrs Twat) consulted their linesman, a substitute, who surprisingly said the foul was outside the area. Idowu couldn't have launched himself that far man. Anyway we were 3-0 down by that time having earlier conceded a header from a corner.
Well done chaps- we'll beat them at home.
If you have not contributed a few bob towards my anti bear farming campaign- 75 miles walked last week- please take heart and do so.
Cheques to "WSPA" or donate to www.justgiving.com/Ronald-Crennell. Come on I just cannot believe you think this is not a worthy cause!
I will never surrender.
Presentation night next Friday at The Station, Knebworth with Fanny Jordan on barbecue duty.
Next Sunday another tough game v Saints. Ron was linesman for the whole game today, everyone was playing so well. He will be back.
"Flag up his arse most of the time and comforting it was" wrote this dirge.
Monday, 27 September 2010
Goldings 0 Knobs 1 - Report by Davey Wavey
A great result against a team who still haven’t beaten us in over 6 years. Although the morning started in disarray for both teams. I got lost on route to the ground and when I got there we only had 10 players. We were waiting for Brendan to make an appearance with the shorts and socks which had been split by Alastair the previous week. They only had 6 players and were trying to get reinforcements. This was looking like it would be a friendly game rather than a league one with us taking the 3 points. There was a suggestion of playing 8 a side with me playing for them. (that was my suggestion as the opposition would be easier) We would have to play in our pants and whatever socks we were wearing as Brendan still hadn’t turned up. HOORAH!! Brendan makes his entrance at 10.45 with bedhead and looking like he’s still asleep saying some old bollocks about getting in at 2am from Slovenia. I’ve heard some excuses, but fuck me I’ve never heard one like that before. They scrape 11 together and the games on.
The pitch was in a pretty shit state with lots of ankle breaking pot holes and divots to look out for. Conditions were fair with a greasy top surface which made our first touch and theirs pretty much impossible. Never the less there was some type of football being played. Not much to note in the 1st half apart from giving the ball away a lot. Paul Crosby had a rasping shot which slammed the bar and their right midfielder who Ron should remember because he threw mud in his face a few years ago. (naughty Ron) had a shot come cross which nearly crept in. Even Steven at half time. The new interim manager made a change with Paul making way for Millsy who also turned up late, 20 minutes in to the 1st half to be precise. Lateness of such severity should be punished with a fine or having to wash the kit. (take note Ronald) 2nd half started at a better pace and with more conviction. We slowed the tempo a little and was able to get our foot on the ball and pass with confidence. Our shape was back and it wasn’t long before we carved out a few chances. Richard and Steve combined well in the middle with skill and guile (you choose which is which) Our goal came on 55 minutes aprrox with Millsy getting a through ball from Bully (I think) and slotting home a composed placed shot. From that point they came on to us with more attacking moves mainly down the right which was being cut with the combination of John T and Brendan stifling most of their play. John T made way for Paul who both put in a good effort. Trevor didn’t have a save to make as we were defending high up the pitch. Can someone enlighten me on a new football rule. I was giving the ref a bit of light hearted verbal during the game when all of a sudden he gives a free kick for too much talking! Only a decision Graham Poll and Stuart Atwell would have made. A sterling effort by all and a result that should put us at top of the league. I assume some people went to the pub. I didn’t as I had to get me skates on to get home. I forgot to slam in the lamb (ooh Erh!) Home to Birchanger next week then 2 important league games to follow. Hopefully we should have more players next week and that doesn’t mean Trevor’s bringing his Icelandic illegals. See you on the Blog. If you dare.
Debbie7 (Minister for recruitment and youthful language. Oh, and kit washer, ball holder, motivational guru and interim manager) What a C.V
The pitch was in a pretty shit state with lots of ankle breaking pot holes and divots to look out for. Conditions were fair with a greasy top surface which made our first touch and theirs pretty much impossible. Never the less there was some type of football being played. Not much to note in the 1st half apart from giving the ball away a lot. Paul Crosby had a rasping shot which slammed the bar and their right midfielder who Ron should remember because he threw mud in his face a few years ago. (naughty Ron) had a shot come cross which nearly crept in. Even Steven at half time. The new interim manager made a change with Paul making way for Millsy who also turned up late, 20 minutes in to the 1st half to be precise. Lateness of such severity should be punished with a fine or having to wash the kit. (take note Ronald) 2nd half started at a better pace and with more conviction. We slowed the tempo a little and was able to get our foot on the ball and pass with confidence. Our shape was back and it wasn’t long before we carved out a few chances. Richard and Steve combined well in the middle with skill and guile (you choose which is which) Our goal came on 55 minutes aprrox with Millsy getting a through ball from Bully (I think) and slotting home a composed placed shot. From that point they came on to us with more attacking moves mainly down the right which was being cut with the combination of John T and Brendan stifling most of their play. John T made way for Paul who both put in a good effort. Trevor didn’t have a save to make as we were defending high up the pitch. Can someone enlighten me on a new football rule. I was giving the ref a bit of light hearted verbal during the game when all of a sudden he gives a free kick for too much talking! Only a decision Graham Poll and Stuart Atwell would have made. A sterling effort by all and a result that should put us at top of the league. I assume some people went to the pub. I didn’t as I had to get me skates on to get home. I forgot to slam in the lamb (ooh Erh!) Home to Birchanger next week then 2 important league games to follow. Hopefully we should have more players next week and that doesn’t mean Trevor’s bringing his Icelandic illegals. See you on the Blog. If you dare.
Debbie7 (Minister for recruitment and youthful language. Oh, and kit washer, ball holder, motivational guru and interim manager) What a C.V
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
Shephall 1 Knobs 3
Howay the lads! Easy-ish. It should never have been so close. Nice to be back - sort of......
First half only one team looked like winning- us. Some of our attacking of the ball from corners left a lot to be desired. Richard and Dave got there easily for unopposed headers but missed. Dave got a bit closer with a more difficult one and a delicious corner from Mark saw noone remotely near the far post, us or opposition. I thought they looked exceptionally poor, though honest and fair. It only would take a few percent increase in workrate by us and a cricket score would ensue. We took the lead, a comfortable shot from Andy ushered into the net by their hapless keeper. Oh this is easy, yet it was not to be. We weren't eager enough to collect the second ball, thinking it would be easy and lo and behold they had a couple of chances. Back four looked strong nevertheless until half time. Second half we seemed to start even better but after ten minutes they equalised. Ball bobbling round the area arrived to the edge where their bloke swung a leg and sent an unstoppable shot into the net via the cross bar. Fuck me 1-1. They then galvanised their youthful energies and a bit of a contest ensued until Andy scored his second and missed a few one on ones before Steve put the game to bed with a lovely free kick over the wall and everyone else to make it 3-1. Not great but it's always nice to win. The pub was fine, most showed, but summat was missing or was it just me? Next week John Boyle takes charge as I am on my ban bear farming walk. The week after am back- I'll referee! Highlight of the game? Darren's "you and you and you move" as he was ushered into touch. Andy and were two of the "yous" who was the other?
Man of the match- Chris Wilson good ooooold Chris.
Love you all- well almost all!
Ron
First half only one team looked like winning- us. Some of our attacking of the ball from corners left a lot to be desired. Richard and Dave got there easily for unopposed headers but missed. Dave got a bit closer with a more difficult one and a delicious corner from Mark saw noone remotely near the far post, us or opposition. I thought they looked exceptionally poor, though honest and fair. It only would take a few percent increase in workrate by us and a cricket score would ensue. We took the lead, a comfortable shot from Andy ushered into the net by their hapless keeper. Oh this is easy, yet it was not to be. We weren't eager enough to collect the second ball, thinking it would be easy and lo and behold they had a couple of chances. Back four looked strong nevertheless until half time. Second half we seemed to start even better but after ten minutes they equalised. Ball bobbling round the area arrived to the edge where their bloke swung a leg and sent an unstoppable shot into the net via the cross bar. Fuck me 1-1. They then galvanised their youthful energies and a bit of a contest ensued until Andy scored his second and missed a few one on ones before Steve put the game to bed with a lovely free kick over the wall and everyone else to make it 3-1. Not great but it's always nice to win. The pub was fine, most showed, but summat was missing or was it just me? Next week John Boyle takes charge as I am on my ban bear farming walk. The week after am back- I'll referee! Highlight of the game? Darren's "you and you and you move" as he was ushered into touch. Andy and were two of the "yous" who was the other?
Man of the match- Chris Wilson good ooooold Chris.
Love you all- well almost all!
Ron
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
Knobs 2 Old Owens 1 – Tales from the dressing room
A lovely warm sunny morning and I was looking forward to my league debut for the Knobs and it was great to get the nod from the manager to start the game. I heard that Old Owens usually struggle to get a team together but for this game they had 4 subs.
It was a fairly evenly matched first half though on the break we were always dangerous especially with the pace of Gavin who setup Richard for the first goal of the game. They equalised soon after when a shot was parried by Trevor and their striker was first to react to slot home.
After the first half I was a little disappointed to be told that I was going to be taken off and so I followed the manager to the dressing room to have my say. Things were working up inside me so I thought it best to go to the toilet first in case things got messy. I finished my business and opened the toilet door to get down to the serious business only to find that the manager was gone, the lights were off and the changing room door was locked.
The second half seemed to go on forever, I turned the lights on and thought about having a shower only to realise that my kit bag was pitch side. A rummage hear and a rummage there produced nothing decent apart from a large black dildo in Debbie’s bag. I put the bin on my head, dildo up my arse and went for a ride on Brendan’s bike. Finished the half with a quick five knuckle into the manager’s sock.
Then finally after what seemed like an eternity I heard a key turn in the lock and the changing room door opened. I shuffled past the manager to get my bag without saying a word. Complete arse or very clever I don’t know but I've learnt a valuable lesson!
I heard later that Chris Wilson got the winner and we won 2-1 so 3 points in the bag.
T
It was a fairly evenly matched first half though on the break we were always dangerous especially with the pace of Gavin who setup Richard for the first goal of the game. They equalised soon after when a shot was parried by Trevor and their striker was first to react to slot home.
After the first half I was a little disappointed to be told that I was going to be taken off and so I followed the manager to the dressing room to have my say. Things were working up inside me so I thought it best to go to the toilet first in case things got messy. I finished my business and opened the toilet door to get down to the serious business only to find that the manager was gone, the lights were off and the changing room door was locked.
The second half seemed to go on forever, I turned the lights on and thought about having a shower only to realise that my kit bag was pitch side. A rummage hear and a rummage there produced nothing decent apart from a large black dildo in Debbie’s bag. I put the bin on my head, dildo up my arse and went for a ride on Brendan’s bike. Finished the half with a quick five knuckle into the manager’s sock.
Then finally after what seemed like an eternity I heard a key turn in the lock and the changing room door opened. I shuffled past the manager to get my bag without saying a word. Complete arse or very clever I don’t know but I've learnt a valuable lesson!
I heard later that Chris Wilson got the winner and we won 2-1 so 3 points in the bag.
T
Thursday, 9 September 2010
Knobs 1 Garston 4 - Report by Davey Wavey
A beautiful Sunday morning in early September .The pitch was freshly cut and rolled and has not looked this good for a long while.
After informing everyone that it would be a good idea for us all to park cars at the surgery or in surrounding villages to eliminate any pressure at the Rec. Alistair turns up at 09.45 prompt in his BMW to open the gates and have first dibs at what parking space he desires. As chairman Al was in charge he done his best to over see everyone else erecting the nets and this was before anyone entered the changing rooms.The game started at a pace and both teams were trying their level best to score the first goal. Them more so than us. We were effectively playing 5 at the back with Debbie (left mid) sitting in front of John Twigg as they were using that part of the pitch the most. We were strong and resolute for the majority of the first half until 35 minutes in, they made a break down the right and punished us with a cross which ended up in the net. Can anyone confirm this as i was picking myself up after getting a dead leg prior to the break. Alistair was using the roll on roll off system so i hobbled off and Gerry rolled on. 1 nil at half time which was a great position to be in. If only we all went home then. A constructive team talk from Martin saw us start the half on the attack with bully playing a long bull from the kick off to Gavin who ran him self in to their box and clip the bar with a strong shot. He was then taken off for Matty to come on. They got their 2nd goal with in the first ten minutes then came our moment of glory. A Bully free kick just outside the box on the right was pushed through to the near post where Debbie found himself after breaking their defensive line. One touch control and shot to the far corner where Andy (poacher) Castle was waiting to tap it in. It was a deserved goal for the effort put in by us all. After the kick off they went back to their passing game and it wasn't long before they had their 3rd after a well crafted, one touch approach play out side our box. With in 5 passes the ball was slid across the line. Most of us were watching as they made this game of football look easy. Their 4th was dispatched with shouts of "off side", but the linesman's flag wasn't forthcoming. Even if you think it's off side you should still play to the whistle or flag in this case. In summery we didn't disgrace ourselves against a quality side and i can't see why we won't be challenging in the league this season.The newbies in the team Darren,Gerry and Martin (sorry Martin) played well. Trevor was on form as usual stopping a few one on ones and Chris G was my man of the match. Gavin put a late boot in to the ankle of their Ray Parlour look a like who had an outstanding game (Ray not Gavin) I think Ray wanted to see Gavin after the game. I think the words were "I'm going to fucking get you later" did anyone see Gavin at the pub??
If anyone has comments on how i wrote the blog feel free to express yourselves and i'll feel free to tell you to fuck off!
Here's mud in your eye.
Dave J
After informing everyone that it would be a good idea for us all to park cars at the surgery or in surrounding villages to eliminate any pressure at the Rec. Alistair turns up at 09.45 prompt in his BMW to open the gates and have first dibs at what parking space he desires. As chairman Al was in charge he done his best to over see everyone else erecting the nets and this was before anyone entered the changing rooms.The game started at a pace and both teams were trying their level best to score the first goal. Them more so than us. We were effectively playing 5 at the back with Debbie (left mid) sitting in front of John Twigg as they were using that part of the pitch the most. We were strong and resolute for the majority of the first half until 35 minutes in, they made a break down the right and punished us with a cross which ended up in the net. Can anyone confirm this as i was picking myself up after getting a dead leg prior to the break. Alistair was using the roll on roll off system so i hobbled off and Gerry rolled on. 1 nil at half time which was a great position to be in. If only we all went home then. A constructive team talk from Martin saw us start the half on the attack with bully playing a long bull from the kick off to Gavin who ran him self in to their box and clip the bar with a strong shot. He was then taken off for Matty to come on. They got their 2nd goal with in the first ten minutes then came our moment of glory. A Bully free kick just outside the box on the right was pushed through to the near post where Debbie found himself after breaking their defensive line. One touch control and shot to the far corner where Andy (poacher) Castle was waiting to tap it in. It was a deserved goal for the effort put in by us all. After the kick off they went back to their passing game and it wasn't long before they had their 3rd after a well crafted, one touch approach play out side our box. With in 5 passes the ball was slid across the line. Most of us were watching as they made this game of football look easy. Their 4th was dispatched with shouts of "off side", but the linesman's flag wasn't forthcoming. Even if you think it's off side you should still play to the whistle or flag in this case. In summery we didn't disgrace ourselves against a quality side and i can't see why we won't be challenging in the league this season.The newbies in the team Darren,Gerry and Martin (sorry Martin) played well. Trevor was on form as usual stopping a few one on ones and Chris G was my man of the match. Gavin put a late boot in to the ankle of their Ray Parlour look a like who had an outstanding game (Ray not Gavin) I think Ray wanted to see Gavin after the game. I think the words were "I'm going to fucking get you later" did anyone see Gavin at the pub??
If anyone has comments on how i wrote the blog feel free to express yourselves and i'll feel free to tell you to fuck off!
Here's mud in your eye.
Dave J
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
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