Birchanger 5 yes 5 Knobs 1

Worrer game. A little coming down to earth mind after 6 or 7 wins on the trot. Mind you Gavin stayed at home to do marking!
We arrived late, John was getting some much needed beauty sleep and on a balmy morning we set out for 40 minutes each way gainst the agricultural but hard working Birchanger lads.
The pitch had dried out to the consistency of Palaeolithic coprolites and the first 15 minutes saw our passing game reduced to random chance as balls reared from the ground like hand grenades. This was a pitch for several touches before even contemplating a 2 yard pass. We got on top, honest, and went ahead from a Bully corner glanced into the far corner from a near post Brendan. Nearly had a second when a good move saw Matty agonisingly centimetres wide. We were coping , nae bother. Despite knowing a corner would land near post our lads failed to deal with it and a ricochet into the box saw it nodded home from 5 yards. 1-1.
Ron was in goal.
We fizzled to half time, with theoretically all the advantages for the second half. Roy had clattered himself in the first half, was he concussed, but in the first seconds of the second half they luckily inveigled from the left put in a cross which Roy sliced unerringly into the net, "You fucking cunt" oh I thought that's no way to talk to a keeper. We bumbled and bounced on, not making any notable chances in the last third. They broke and a shot bobblingly crossed the goal and into the net. This goalkeeper lark is not all that it's cracked out to be. Fucking hell.
Later they broke from the left and I was sure he couldn't score at the near post but the velocity!A touch would have been enough but I was nowhere near.
Brendan had another good near post header, unrewarded and a nifty back heel, you read it here!
They broke again, given the ball somewhat pathetically and another high velocity shot from close range made it 5 to them and fucking goodnight Irene to us. That shot hurt my fingers.
Apart from Sandy, last season, conceded 10, Ron has slightly improved, 5 against Ware, 5 against Birchanger but has decided to hang up his gloves, bring back youknowwhoey! Mind you only one against Goldings.
A nice little social club, good sandwiches and Bombardier at £1.50 a pint saw us outlast the oppo and we journeyed home satisfied and replete. Bill was that 100mph down the A10, my linings attest to that?
Some of us have played our last for the season, but for some there is a proper pitch next week against Crawley Green, Luton. Really looking forward to that. Then there is the Knebworth Dads at home before we store away our boots for the summer. It's been a canny season. Love you all.


Guardian de but

Knobs 4 Walkern 2

A fantastic result against a good side due to an all round team effort.
That's a mouthful or a fingerful depending on your perspective.
A topsy turvy beginning with Trevor and Mike dropping out on the morning (what are you two up to on Saturday nights?) and then Bill arriving with a congenital aigue. We were down to 12 against a very good but ageing footballing side but eventually prevailed. First 20 minutes they seemed to run us rotten and deservedly took a 1-0 lead but we did keep attacking and provide moments of purity ourselves before equalising. John Twigg advanced from full back and hit a cross to the edge of the area where Gavin chested down, Hearing a grunt from Matt he left it for Matt to rifle home top right hand corner, eye of a needle, from 20 yards. Another goal of the season. We were now awake and playing.
On 40 minutes they went ahead, a scrambled goal and they controlled the game again till half time.
Second half, I hate to say this, but youth prevailed, our youth.
We battered them incessantly, especially through the swift and leggy Gavin, but still we seemed to be struggling against a determined and crafty outfit. Gavin hit a post from 20 yards then Ron brought on utility man John Twigg. Did he score the equaliser or was it M. Boyle? I forget but it doesn't matter. John was put through and rifling his shot craftily toward the corner flag saw it ricochet from it's intended victim into the net, a great in -off. A freekick from M. Bull, ignoring a clever run from Chris, saw an impertinent header from M. Boyle career into the far corner of the net. We were on the rampage- I remember my last clarion call before leaving the field myself "they're fucking gone" at 1-2. And so they were and so was I. With John Boyle all over the pitch it was only a matter of time before he, we, scored another with one of his unerring 5 a side finishes for a deserved victory. Well done. And a vigorous, fair game which was a credit to Vets football.
Thanks to Bill for reffing, nutted not once, thanks to Phil for deputising ably in goal and thanks to you all for breathing.
A good session at the Fox (The Fox Maggie) where both teams turned up in force. Malcolm gave us pizza and chips this week, thank you.
With Newcastle v Makkems on the tele I missed two rounds awaiting her indoors arriving to lift me home. Much mirth! Eventually Brendan served me well. Maggie has spent the last two weeks waiting for me outside The Red Lion! For once I am in the right, Brownie points in their millions. Imagine she could be waiting for me still from last week if she was truly devoted !
Newcastle won.
Awards are being planned , by the Committee, for this season's efforts. Player of the season, Most ever- present of the season, especially a special award for anyone who has played every game, Clubman of the season, Goal of the Season, Fuck up of the season, Whiner of the season etc......
Bear this in mind.

Boondocks Ron

PS It was a penalty. When I threw myslf to head a JB lob in from point blank range it has been said by several chaps that I was barged in the back. I thought something was amiss when the ball glanced off my head. On politely, of course, asking Bill at half time how that never went in he said it was because I was barged in the back but it was too controversial to give a penalty! I benignly concurred. M. Boyle that should have been me ahead.

Knobs 5 Old Pretenders 2

No snow, a welcoming change - yer soft southern ninnies, yi divvint caal what we've had snae di yi ?
A spare sort of team, Kevin didn't show for his season's debut but fortunately Phil made a comeback, at least fortunate for those who didn't mind his abrasive, chiselled 'encouragements' (the new Big Bob anybody?).
A goal down on a bouncy pitch with a new ball saw us struggle for cohesion. Too many attempts at playing pure football, one touch instead of controlling the ball and passing- a little slower perhaps but more certain. That fucker up front played like Johnny Haynes at 100 not £100 quid a week that is. Look up yer history books.
Gavin made several incisive runs in the first half before being upended for a penalty which Steve slotted with aplomb. 1-1. Steve then shot a ball up a tree but divvint worry they sent a dwarf orang utan up to retrieve it at half time. Well twas a new ball!
A Steve miscue fell a- wanting before asaid mentioned orang utan, ancient and grizzled, smacked in the rebound to give us a 2-1 lead.
Second half saw many more raids from a fleetfooted but coffeeless Gavin before one of his cutbacks from the by line was smashed helplessly home by their centreback, a man who wasn't so hapless later when flattening Matt as he rampaged goalwards. Freekick came to naught.
They scored again before a busy Ron ran in front of a Matty shot to divert it succinctly behind the line for 3-1. The og became the 4th. Two goals and a woz on a hattrick. Unfortunately Mark wasn't up to doing a spot of reffing to give Bill a run so yours truly had to sacrafice the opportunity of sextuaganarian glory and take over reffing himself. Thank you Mark I come from a long line of elephants! A goal for Matt was disallowed when I felt he was offside and took pity on a forest of opposition hands so claiming. Not in the mood for an argument on such a bounteous day the goal was disallowed and only Matt's ire had to be faced. The fifth goal was a pretty little move when Matt slotted a ball to Bill who finished with firmness, coolness and precision.
Roy fouled, Dave asthmaaaaaed, Brendan ran without caution and all was well in the world. Their man John played his final game at 60, didn't he look old- fucking hell what does this mean?
Someone stole the corner flags so a new monitor is required if they ever reappear.
We adjourned to the Fox and Malcolm's hospitality where even JB drank proper beer. A good turnout capped by suasages, onions and bread which was as welcome as it was unexpected. It almost felt like a pub, in fact it was!
Me back hurts, where was Kevin, and next week it's a tough game v Walkern at home, 1-1 results on the season, next game the winner.

Almost but not quite.

Knobs 3 Standon 1

We got a game in, thanks to my industriousness and meteorological foresight. That's enough about me, I'm still around- just.
The snow had disappeared from the pitch by the final whistle- what whistle, so we were vindicated in having a game despite having to adapt to unusual conditions, actually no more difficult than high winds, clarts up to yer neck or rock hard surfacess, was it ?
Chris refereed, well, I thought, despite 22 people undermining his efforts.
We won. Deservedly won. Against a team who don't like to be beaten by us. So well done the lads.
A first half saw us take the game to them and miss chances due to the conditions requiring power over any careful accuracy. We missed all the openings that were created due to not taking that extra pace or seven through the snow and making sure we hit the goal. Is this a farce I thought from my position of flag waverer? Will I be blamed for allowing this farce to take place?
But no, conditions eased I'm sure everyone would agree, conditions? Just get stuck in and overwhelm them. You could have been at home with a vacuum cleaner.
Second half saw goals from the desire to get closer in and score, as I said to Brendan it's only 2 or 3 yarders that will decide this game. Not helped by the fact that noone could kick the ball with any ferocity further than 5 or 6 yards.
A nice little move from a corner saw the ball squirt across te goaline before being converted by Mike. The second, a bit controversial, was hit in by Richard. Yes I wasn't up with play but the full back played everyone on and all the mouthings were water off a duck's arse to me, though as always I have to have my two pennorth of gobbing. Despite Steve's entreaties "sharrap Ron" and Phil's pulling me out of confrontations from the line I like to debate in pursuit of honesty, fair play and truth! They got back into the game from a controversial penalty, sorry Chris, when Steve, protecting his good looks, instinctively parried a blast toward his gob. Some almighty scrambles occasionally occurred in our goalmouth, a neat header from M. Boyle on the goal line, a back hurting intervention from Brendan and a host of aesthetic fouls, from my man of the match Roy, before we broke away and got our third. Gavin hitting the by line before Matty secured the victory we undoubtedly deserved.
On -off subs worked well, note Ron, ie me, didn't come on- this is incredible- to me, perhaps a sign of my growing old less than disgracefully. Mind you once I get that track suit on I find it hard these days to think of relinquishing it. Also that coffee Gavin brought, laced with whisky, I had 4 cups, more than made up for joining the fray. Sad!
Martin was nearly brought off when his son arrived and said his daughter was sick and was asking him to come home (mum was at church) but the heathen bastard decided to continue to play the game he loves and was contributing to so well. Kids are getting so powerful these days they must be shown their place. How is she Martin?
A full house in the pub, Standon and us, noone else in the place! The Station is dead, fuck off Green King!
An exciting night on Friday at the Spring meet. Excellent until I departed, omitting the Welwyn leg where the young ones departed to at 9.30. What happened then seems hazy but reports declare Gavin was on good form in one of Welwyn villages notorious gay pubs. The Fox at Woolmer very welcoming earlier.
Several games still to play keep up the youthful work you Knobbies!

Lon John Silver and the rest.

KNOBS FC Spring Team Meeting

A spring team meeting has been arranged for Friday 4th April starting at 6pm in The Red Lion public house in Woolmer Green (SG3 6JP). As previously the meeting will take the form of a pub crawl and will most likely move on to ale houses in Old Welwyn.

Meeting agenda items so far are:

1. The season so far
2. The dirtiest player in the team

Cheers and hope to see you there.

Knobs 2 Goldcheats 0

The match, despite continuous overnight rain, was never in doubt, nor was the result when the true Vets got down to playing and gettin stuck in.
A hard first half, uphill into the teeth of wind and rain was hard,on a waterlogged treacherous surface yet we still made chances and ultimately took one from Mike to go in 1-0 up. We defended stoutly sometimes a little robustly and they were reduced to a few long range efforts all handled faultlessly by Trevor. A particularly stinging drive was brilliantly saved by their keeper from Mike and Nick rounded the keeper only to see his shot just cleared from the line.
I didn't think I was the dirtiest player on the pitch in the first half, I stand in thrall of Roy for that honour. Certainly I don't think I've been the dirtiest player for two years or so all part of the half time time tete a tete betwixt the referee and myself. Certainly I tripped their marauding ostrich and the mud I popped at his face was only a little piece but did he have to nut me? We shook hands and got on with it. It's aal part of the game which can be as much psychological as owt- puttin people off it's a great leveller. Their number seven had to be reined in, e was only about 25, and so he went from influential midfielder to outside left of Stevenage Road in very short order.
The second half saw them rarely threaten, two off target shots. With Gavin exhiliratingly at full stretch we could have won by more. One of his runs took him skimming over the mud into the area from where he slotted home the second. A third was in from Matty but at the last second the referee blew up for an injury to Dave in our six yard box. My fault. Dave had taken one in the nuts and I'd thought it was something serious!
Well despite being without our midfield strength, in the middle, we won the points. I'm content, time to retire now.
Everyone played really well but special mentions to a flawless performance from Steve Hammond when he came on- sorry you waited so long but you know the on-off sub tactic is not a winning one and Gavin for his mudsprinting with a ball under control!
Thank you to Alistair for reffing- it's a mug's game.

Napoleon.

Knobs 1.75 Welwyn Pegasus 0

An excellent performance and a deserved win.
A match punctuated by lengthy stoppages as they slowly and boringly rang the changes on and off, but mainly off, of their 15 man squad. An early free kick from 32.67 yards was beautifully rifled into the top corner by M. Bull ( eat your old heart out Mr. Mills). This lead lasted until the final nanoseconds when a Knobs break of 6 against 2 led to to a John Twigg tap in. Their linesman who never moved from the half way line, so engrossed was he in conversation with his mates, had belatedly flagged for offside but I, the referee, had ignored him as someone of little consequence to the game by then, and play continued. I was gonna blow for full time anyway, it was well over. Anyway a ball was played forward and M. Twigg rushed on to plant it home 2-0. I thought it was a goal, two of their lot said it was offside, forward pass, but the solution was to blow the final whistle, us winning rightly 1-0 at least. Twiggy says he ran onto the forward played ball and I believe him. So to me it was 2-0 but who the fuck cares.
An excellent first half performance not matched in the second half going downslope when we rarely attacked them. Mind Brendan was through from the half way line , he advanced, checked, advanced , checked , advanced and finally toe poked fruitlessly. He said he succumbed to cramp in his moment of beckoning glory!
Roy advanced threateningly over the half way line before being trapped on the ground by the octopus tackle that left him screaming. We thought the worst from such an exhalation but in moments he was back as curmudgeonly as ever in the back four! The boy who screamed wolf.
They hit the bar and the ball ricocheted from the goalline, Trevor pulled off a few eye catching saves and the team fought well for a deserved victory.
Half of that energy and impetus against Kempston would have sufficed.
Good performances from Nick, John T, Steve B, Chris, Roy, Trevor, Matt, Martin, oh and also Dave, Steve H, Brendan and Paul. Well done the lot of you.
Next week crucial league match home to Goldcheats. Be up for it you who are available.
Welwyn want a revenge game which I have tentatively arranged for late May- pitch availability depending.
Goodish turnout in pub- 9 of us, three of them. No grub. Thank the Lord!

The referee