Arrogant Twats 5 Knobs 0 - Report by Tosser Dave

A different meeting time this morning. 9.50 was suggested on the email as it was an 11 am KO. Reminder to self to read my fucking mails properly as I and Darren H were outside the Station at 9.35 wondering where the hell everyone else was. After interrupting Alistair brushing his pearly whites it was explained that we were early and to wait for the rest to turn up. We were struggling for personnel on Thursday and we had no Chris W (Ankle) no Chris G (back) no Martin (away game!) no Bully (golfers shank) no John (Hates Sandy) and no Ron (twisted knee on paper round. I recon he bottled it.), but what we did have were 13 gladiators prepared to die for the cause at any cost! Well, you would think so.
Got to the ground on time and the atmosphere in the changing room was positively bubbling. Some good banter was exchanged amongst us all. Brendan couldn’t wait to bollock Trevor before he even kicked a ball and Kenny eventually succumbed to taking the kit home. He brought his 12 seater mini bus to put the bag in. A bit over the top I thought, but everyone to their own.

The Game-:
The toss was won by me which still gives me a 100% record. I repeat a 100% record!!!! Mind you that was the only thing we won all day. It was a blustery day with the wind blowing downhill. My thoughts were to play against the wind up hill in the first half which was agreed by Mark and a few others, you know who you are! If we could get to half time 0-0 or maybe 1-0 down we would have a good chance of turning the game round in the second half. If only I took John Boyle’s advice and stayed in bed fiddling with me lid things could have been a bit different. Anyway half time came and we were 3-nil down with 2 well taken goals by their centre forwards and 1 fluky cross which thundered past a hapless Mark who didn’t do much wrong in the game. I felt we were defending too deep and should be pushing up the pitch making them shoot from distance.Needless to say both their well taken goals were dispatched within the penalty box. Half time chat was positive and we were looking forward to playing with the wind downhill. If we kept a tight shape defensively in the first 10 minutes hopefully they may lose some energy and we could exploit some of their weaknesses. 5 minutes gone and we go 4- nil down. Defensively we were all over the place. It was suggested that I move up the pitch to win a header from their goal kick which never got to me. The ball was kicked over my head which left Alistair exposed with 2 forwards one passed to the other and that’s how the goal was conceded. Note to self-: Don’t listen to any cunt on the pitch who thinks they know what they’re talking about. We nearly carved out a few chances from long throws, but they were solid at the back and we rarely threatened.

AS promised I have to mention Trevor’s attempted free kick from outside the D which was taken expertly and had their keeper running across his line at full stretch to tip the ball around the top of the post. Not bad for a bloke who enjoys his Sunday mornings bollocking 10 other men dressed in black. In fact we may have found our new Bully! Or maybe not. Their 5th was soft to say the least It came from a corner and Mark was being impeded by their forward. Alistair didn’t get in between the both and Mark had no chance of coming for ball. I have to say the Ref had a good game and didn’t do much wrong in my opinion. Full time whistle couldn’t come quicker. We looked jaded and unwilling to a degree. Darren H lost the will to live as he thought the game was “A load of bollocks” Don’t forget our conversation Darren in your car on the way to the ground about self-belief from within. It works for me every time! How was the pub? Darren A’s sat nav took us the wrong way and we ended up on the A1m towards Stevenage. Never trust Technology, that’s what I say. Home to Therfield next week. Please let papa smurf know asap. I will be available and tossing on the centre circle.

Love
Tosser Dave