Birchanger 1 KNOBS 1 - match report by Chairman Al

It was an inauspicious start on the morning of Stevie Hammond’s home game. We already knew that the Secretary would be on his way to watch a game of a little more significance in West London. Just as in Northern Ireland, during the Troubles, people who were summoned for punishments such as ‘Knee-capping’ used to prepare for the pain by getting themselves paralytically drunk, the secretary was just embarking on his preparation for his own torture-session as we met at 9.30am. Bad luck with those penalties, John.

The manager was another casualty, having lost an argument with a Pyracantha bush the previous afternoon; he turned up with a septic finger, which he said was so painful that he would have to go to Accident and Emergency (did he – my arse!). The team-sheet was handed to the Chairman who, besides running the team, was captain for the first time.

With five senior Knobs all away skiing (I don’t think they should be allowed to go together, unless they’re injured), we scraped a team together. Kenny came out of retirement, young buck Darren was given a start, and Mark Mills plucked a goalkeeper out of thin air in the nick of time (nice effort, Millsy – but I think this confirms what I have said for years, namely that, even if we think our overall squad is big enough, we need to identify a reserve goalkeeper who can be an authentic replacement when Trevor is unavailable).

We got over to Birchanger without any mishaps or Vasey-style chundering en route, and Paul looked every inch a goalkeeper with his green top stretched tight over his pectorals. Imagine the disappointment, however, when he said that he’s really an outfield player, and he hadn’t kept goal for eight years…

The pitch was pretty good, although bobbly, and we made a good start. Steve Bull was demanding the ball in centre-field, and spraying it around effectively. We took the lead when he played a beautifully-judged through-ball to Mattie, who beat the offside trap, rounded the keeper and finished tidily.

That was the high point, however. Whilst there were good performances all over the pitch, we gradually ceded possession and territory, and played more on the break as the match continued. Roy was carrying an injury, and Chris Griffiths also looked a yard slower than usual. With our back four lying deep, there were midfield spaces for the opposition to exploit. Birchanger had several attempts on goal, but mostly off-target, and Paul didn’t have a difficult save to make: half-time 1-0.

In the second half we changed the team around. I brought Steve Hammond on for Kenny, and Steve Bull moved to play up front, with Mark Mills moving to left wing, where he appears more comfortable. I was struggling on the right wing, and brought myself off. Birchanger scored a scruffy goal, and, whilst we had some opportunities to score again, we were probably the happier team to come away with a draw.

Paul was excellent in goal, and made one first-class save towards the end of the game, when their forward was bearing down on goal: Paul spread himself, and saved with his leg. I hope that he will be available again. There were many other good performances: Steve H and Kenny were solid; Dave is back to his all-action best; Chris W was tireless, and I thought that Darren did really well, considering how few full games he has played recently. I predict that he’ll soon be a regular in our team.

Despite vowing that he never would, Dave even forgot his principles, and did a passing impression of a linesman for the last 10 minutes! Full-time 1-1.

The showers were warm – what luxury! Most of us stayed for some quality beers in their social club. The sausages were plentiful and the onion rings were great – although you would have to go a long way to find a less attractive and more grumpy barmaid….

We sped back to Knobsworth in Chris W’s sleek new speedster. As he dropped us off at the Station pub, who should appear but the manager! Had he been to A & E? Not bloody likely, of course…. His beloved Newcassle were on live, so he was using alcohol to numb the pain from his hand, and the four-hour queue at the hospital would have to wait for another day…

Ally