Knobs 0 Harpenden 0

Never has a match been so forgettable. In fact this match was so forgettable that it will long in the memory. The cold nil nil, that Bully missed will be talked about for years to come. The match was so poor, and chances so few, that several players asked specifically not be named in club records as participants in the match.  The second ever 0-0 draw in 1,056 Knebworth Vets fixtures had actually promised to be a high scoring affair. With Tony “sorry” Clare away, 3 changes to the back four, and 5 forwards in the starting line-up, a high scoring match seemed inevitable. In goal, Gavin specifically asked that there were no shots allowed towards him as he had not been able to put his wedding ring since hurting his finger in his last goal keeping appearance. In mitigation, the pitch had dried out after recent rain and was exceptionally bobbly.   Dave Jordan spent 6 days getting no referee arranged, and one day getting 2 referees arranged – so we welcomed a new referee Dale, who had an excellent game, and this is not just written because he did not give a single foul against James.

Knebworth dominated the first half, but did not threaten the goal and managed only a single corner. Gerry took it, and with his furthest ever kick reached the 6 yard box where it was cleared. Paul was competitive in the middle, whilst Darren kept checking his watch aware he had to catch a train to the Spurs match. Jono round around a bit, and looked dangerous until he got anywhere near the goal. Dave Jordan was somewhere on the left. Barney and Dave M were lively in a non-threatening kind of way. Dave M managed to put one into the gardens in frustration after the whistle had done – it was that type of match. At the back, Greg, Tony, James and Tony K kept the lonely Harpenden forward quiet, and struggled to find a flat piece of grass to clear. The highlight of the first half was Gavin in goal saying to his defenders “I’m playing a high line” then going past them on a couple of occasions with some Bruce Grobelaar style runs. Manager Hobbs reminded Gavin that if he wanted to play in midfield instead of goal he should say so and not be wearing the gloves.

The second half was much like the first half, except downhill with the wind, Harpenden dominated and won more corners.  Gavin was now “playing a deep line” and refused to come off his line. Upfront Stephen “hold it-argghh, sorry” Banks joined the fray.  Harpenden had  a couple of chances but not require Gavin to make any saves. Paul and James headed some corners away. Barney made some strong runs on the break, before the ball was soon lost. To finish, Banks and Darren had the only Knebworth chances and cost us the game in the final 5 minutes.

Poor turnout to meet the new temporary landlord in the pub. Though Paul did leave before a delayed James arrived, after some issues closing the pavilion door had to be solved by the intervention of Jono’s size 14 trainers. Dave Jordan could not even sell all the spaces on the scratchcard – probably because everyone knew he had fixed it again and won the £10 himself.  Though he did spend £11 to win his £10, maths not being his strong point.

Welwyn Sports 2 Knobs 3

On a cold and fresh Valentines Day, the Vets beat Welwyn Sports for only the second time in 78 previous meetings. On a flat but heavy pitch Knebworth looked to pass from the start, and dominated the opening minutes. Woody was a nuisance upfront, and buoyed by last weeks hat trick Dave Millhouse was a constant threat.  Jono played in his 7th position this season, and looked more comfortable than normal, combining well with Ally. Martyn Brown returned to action after a club suspension for being caught in the Station  Pub on 7 consecutive Saturday lunchtimes.

Knebworth took the lead after a good pass from Woody allowed Dave M to fire home. Leading scorer in 2016 Dave thanked his Mum after the game. Dave said "My Mum knew I was struggling before Christmas, so she bought me some pop up goals for the garden, and one of those ball on elastic contraptions. I've been practicing every evening after school and it is really helping". After a competitive and fractious first half Knebworth were one up.

Dave Jordan was introduced at half time, and quickly made a big impact by inexcusably pushing a forward in the penalty box as a cross came in from the left. A tearful Jordan apologized to the squad after the game. "I saw red, I'm sorry, the number 18 was taking the mickey out the sound effects I make whenever I go near the ball, so I pushed him".

At 1-1 Knebworth kept passing the ball well, and Welywn kept looking for a scrap, on or off the ball.  Banksy replaced and out of puff Martyn, and immediately looked to win the slow race with the big Welwyn centre half - I guess there are different ways of slowing a game down. Knebworth went 2-1 up when Dave M found the increasingly unpopular Woody to slide home. After losing the previous 65 matches against Welywn, Knebworth were nervous but continued to pass well, compete well and dominate possession. With 15 minutes to go Woody went past his man again, crossed and somehow Jono scored. The out of form Irishman was having one of his better days.

Welwyn immediately looked to strike back and with the clock running down pulled one back. After a foul on the left, the free kick was crossed in. Wayne organised the defence, calling the line on the penalty spot. Jono misheard the shout of "penalty spot", believing Wayne had shouted "leave your man in space, and lets see if number 17 can score a diving header past Tony" Luckily only a minute was left and Knebworth could bask in the glory of victory against Welywn, achieving the dream that many in orange before them had failed.

After the game a Welywn forward commented that he couldn't understand how Knebworth conceded so many goals with such a strong centre half pairing. In related news, Tony could do nothing about the goals this week.

Sausage sandwiches, chips and wedges in the Steamer. The best food since Brendan Walkden put away 9 bacon sandwiches away at Harpenden according to pub food expert Martyn Brown.

Saints 2 Knobs 6

The Vets registered their first win of 2016, putting 6 past Saints. This was a much needed win, the first league victory since December 6th, ahead of a tough run of fixtures in the coming weeks.

Knebworth welcomed back Paul “Biscuits” Matthews, the most brittle man in Knebworth Vets history, and moved free scoring, non-moving, super Sub Banksy into goal.

On the only flat pitch in the league, Knebworth began well, dominating possession and passing the ball around well. On a cold and windy morning, Knebworth kept the ball on the floor, using Banksy as a kamikaze sweeper to pass out from the back. There were 2 near misses from this approach, but it was a welcome change from Tony “Sorry” Clare kicking long for touch. It wasn’t long before Dave M found space to score his only his 5th of the season, drawing level with defender Hobbs in the goal scoring charts. Dave soon made it 6 for the season, and Knebworth were looking comfortable.   Unfortunately Knebworth rarely do comfortable victories and just before half time the midfield went missing and Hobbs stepped in to intercept but took out the Saints forward.  The resulting free kick was well struck and left Banksy no chance. 2-1 at half time.

Biscuits Matthews joined the fray at half time. Within 30 seconds, he was immediately into action with some strong tackles, causing everyone to hold their, anticipating another roll of the ankle.  Goal of the season was soon to follow. Playing out from the back, Knebworth attacked on the left, went cross field to Bully who dinked a slow cross behind the forwards. However Biscuits was unconcerned and launched a spectacular overhead kick of such high quality that it clearly has no place in Vets football. Remarkably the ball flew into the top corner.  

Saints were not giving up, and a quickly taken free kick allowed a cross, for a header home. 3-2, and Knebworth were getting nervous, against the wind, in a match they were dominating. Fortunately Bully soon found space to make it 4-2, then Dave completed a hat trick and Rob Hanlon signed off with a shot from the edge of the box.

Dave Jordan claimed an assist for one of these goals, and after the game wild man Wayne Clarke said “once again victory resulting from a masterful defensive performance, all the goals started with our passes, we provide the canvas for the forwards to paint beautiful pictures – but once again it looked messy painting for 5 year olds at St Martins Church. 89% possession great, 6 goals great, but their keeper never made a save all game”.

Manager Mutley Hobbs said after the game how shocked he was at the loss the previous week at MBDA. “I don’t mean to be big headed, and myself and Dastardly Aldrich remain 100% united, but we won 8-0 at MBDA when Aldrich was away. MBDA at home I was away, we lost 3-2. Just saying”.

Hobbs also said there was nothing in the rumour that Jono Forde has left the club. “It’s just paper talk, I called him in the week, and explained assuming Dave Millhouse doesn’t get a hat trick at Saints, and Paul Matthews doesn’t get injured at Saints he will be straight back in the team. The chances of those two events happening are 1000-1 at Ladbrokes, I put on a tenner though”

Knobs 2 MBNA 3

Squad too upset to do a report.

Blunham 3 Knobs 1

The Vets suffered defeat in their first game of 2016. A full strength 14 were chosen from the 21 available players for the trip to Blunham. Manager Dastardly Aldrich said “the selection was tough on the magnificent 7, particularly Banksy who scored our only 2 goals from the bench in our last game, reffed the first 15 minutes, cooked the chips, made the tea and collected the subs. Some of the others will have to go out on loan in the January window – Chairman Al for example needs game time, and I’ve had an enquiry from Brendan Walkden to see if he will make a switch to Stotfold”

Blunham started the match well, it was 3 minutes before Knebworth got a touch of the ball. But Knebworth took the lead when Woody found space to finish well. It should have been 2, when a goal kick from Tony was caught by an extreme gust of wind and Woody was 1 on 1 with the keeper. He missed and his mood descended from there.

A scrappy equalizer made it 1-1 at half time.  Jono had to be taken off after injuring his foot tripping over a water bottle. The giant Irishman looks out of place at centre half, left midfield and striker and after the game Mutley Hobbs said “I’m trying to build a team around Jono, but I can’t find a position where he can play, I’ve pencilled him in for a stint in goal next time Tony is away. I’m also concerned about the coaching my son gets from Jono in the under 6s – he keeps lining up water bottles in the garden and kicking them against the wall”

Substitutes Rob, Barney and Martyn gave Knebworth a bit of extra zip in the second half. But some “interesting” defending cost Knebworth sloppy goals. Blunham sat deep, and Knebworth were unable to break them down. A strong ref was forced to intervene and remove handbags from the field of play on a couple of occasions. Knebworth dominated territory throughout, Blunham held strong and repelled everything Knebworth could muster.

Post match, under pressure manager Aldirch said “we are not far off being a great team, if we could just create more chances, finish more chances and stop giving away silly goals we’d be a much better side”. But don’t worry we will be top of the league in May, unfortunately the rest of the league will have 12 games in hand.”

Hadley Green 2 Knobs 2

The Vets finish the year top of the league but disappointed with a poor second half performance away at Hadley.

This was a shambles of a match on a child sized pitch, that saw 3 referees used in the first half. Knebworth will make representations to league chairman John "Scudamore" Boyle. Rob Stanley failed to board the team coach so Knebworth had one sub. Hadley had no subs, and no referee. They were not keen to play with 10, so Knebworth donated super sub Banksy to referee. After 7 minutes James tore his calf muscle and hobbled off. Banksy went up front, Jono centre half (!) and Hadley went down to 10 men, providing a referee from their midfield.

Knebworth started well, playing the ball around with confidence and working together as a team. Which was the opposite of what happened in the second half. Super sub Banks then worked his magic with 2 well taken goals from Dave Millhouse crosses.

More generosity from Knebworth followed as Gavin used his Owens connections to persuade someone else to ref, and Hadley were back to 11 men. Hadley, understandably came back at Knebworth, but at half time it was 2-0.

The second half was a horror show from Knebworth. Gavin was brave in goal and made a few good punched saves. The part time keeper confessed that overnight, he had reviewed his keeping technique watching DVDs of previous matches with coach Tony Clare. This review led to the conclusion that Gavin cannot catch, and therefore the strategy of punching everything was employed. Tony had apparently recommended flapping was a better technique, but headstrong Gavin chose to punch instead.

Hadley got stronger and stronger in the second half as Knebworth fell deeper and deeper and the midfield and forwards separated. By the end Knebworth holding on at 2-2. Very poor performance, we got too casual against a team we had beaten comfortably a few weeks earlier. The micky mouse pitch and a late starting match with 3 referees are additional excuses.

After the game there were plenty of suggestions for managers Dastardly and Muttley to improve morale and form. Jono, who arrived 10 minutes before kick off, wants increased focus on tactics and strategy, plus Wayne banned from the club. Gavin wants a post match, in the bar, vote for man of the match. Gavin has stayed for a drink once in 5 years, but explained the managers could set up a text and online voting system like Strictly Come Dancing, so he can vote from home. Dave Jordan wants to calculate average and total age of the match day squad to compare against the opposition. it was pointed out to dave that the opposition numbers will be difficult to source. Asked to comment on these well meaning and innovative suggestions Dastardly Aldrich said "you were all rubbish, I'm flying to the states in the New Year to team up with Stevie Gerrard, Frank Lampard and Brendan Walkden."

It will be left to Muttley Hobbs to pick up the pieces on the 3rd of January. Hobbs said after the match "Don't panic everyone, we won't see Jono at centre half when Aldrich is away, in fact you won't see him again until he gives my son player of the week in the Under 6s".

Knobs 3 Athletic Old Boys 0

The Vets ran out comfortable winners in a wet and muddy friendly. But co-manager Dastardly Aldrich was under whelmed with the performance. The under sized administrator said "Director of Footballs John Boyle told me the stats report gave us 86% possession but Millhouse and Forde managed only 2 goals between them. It was Jono's 46th birthday today, and between them they should have had a goal for every year. We were rock solid at the back, we only looked like conceding when Muttley Hobbs was upfield for corners, but going forward we really lacked the killer touch in the final third, I will have to take a look at the January transfer market."

Knebworth made several changes for this fixture. Wayne was serving a one match suspension and dealing with his 'lifestyle' issues at the Priory Clinic (it's now 2 clean sheets without him). The Naked Knebworthian Debt Collector Ally agreed to play if Greg was dropped. Greg was dropped. Brendan Wren returned from a scouting trip in Australia, New Zealand, Thailand and California.  Tony Clare was dressed as Santa in a shopping centre somewhere and Stuart made his debut in goal. Tory Boy Gavin Simpson made his third comeback from retirement this season, and agreed to be late for his lunch date with Grant Shapps. Gerry was back as well, after finishing a short cage fighting tour in Eastern Europe.

Captain on account of his birthday, Jono gave the pre-match team talk. It was distinctly average speech, but fortunately the translation by Muttley Hobbs was highly motivating and set up the team for a strong start. 

Knebworth dominated the match from the beginning, playing some great passing football in difficult conditions. The final ball and finishing was average at best, and the opposition keeper was in great form. Knebworth took the lead when Gavin slipped in the box for a penalty which Bully put away. One nil at half time.

Knebworth were a bit casual in the second half until Chris Cox and Tony K arrived to watch - this reminded the team they were playing for the places, and energy levels rose. Jono made it 2 with a simple tap up after a cross from the right. Then it was 3 when James attacked on the left, passed to Tory Boy Simpson who turned nicely to find space to shoot. The keeper fumbled and then Jono tripped over the ball in the act of scoring from a yard.

Good performance in terrible conditions. Jono left early for his birthday party at a nearby Wacky Warehouse. Strangely not one player was invited to the party. Fair play to Dave M for helping sweep up, and good luck to the Naked Debt collector getting the kit clean.