Knobs 2 Kimpton 4

The Vets slumped to their 2nd league defeat of the season with a frustrating performance against Kimpton.

The ground was dry and bobbly and this seemed to make the Knebworth back 4 nervous. Or at least it made me nervous. The first goal was highly disputed. Some said the Kimpton striker was 10 yards off side, others said it was 15 yards - but as James and Wayne held a strong line, linesman Dave Knights was smearing fake tan off his specs and missed the Kimpton number 9 running ahead of the defence. Running the line is nobody's favourite job, so we accept the mistake was just one of those things, unlike the ball that went out against Old Owens in 2014... Still not forgiven him for that one. Anyhow, much better make a mistake than see red like the Kimpton linesman, whoooahhh...he lost himself after some polite advice was given by Wayne.

Knebworth soon struck back. After some defensive confusion, Paul Matthews struck what can only be described as an angry shot from the edge of the box onto the post and in. 1-1. Knebworth tried to play the ball from the back, but were not looking in much control on the bobbly pitch with the Kimpton number 9 hunting the ball down. The mystery number 9 introduced himself to the Kimpton side as the match went on, and was rumoured to have played for every non-league and professional club beginning with "w" and South of Milton Keynes. Whoever he was, he gave a lesson in finishing to the Knebworth forwards and left the back 4 needing therapy to restore their confidence.  It was 2-1 when James aimed a pass for an out of position Double agent Dave, the pass was intercepted and slotted home.

Knebworth put up a fight in the second half and created plenty of chances. Barney got behind the defence on at least 4 occasions but could not find anyone willing to attack a cross. Andy Wray put a few into the trees. With last weeks comeback fresh in their minds Knebworth did not give up and took a bit more control in the middle of the park. Then Wayne, unused to playing sober, trod on the ball as last man and it was 3-1.

Knebworth threw on a third forward in desperation but were caught on the break as the mystery number 9 beat James and Wayne's off side trap by not passing and running round them to slam the ball in the top corner. 4-1

There was still time for more Knebworth chances, mostly missed, though Paul  rounded the keeper for his second, 4-2.

A frustrating performance, soft goals given away, and quite a few missed chances. Dave M put a ball into the garden of number 20 Wattan Road for 5th time in 7 matches. It was a disappointed dressing room, but at least that means people care, and the team stuck together not blaming each other.  Most headed to the Station afterwards. The wait time for the food has been reduced to 4 days after an intervention by Chairman Ally, so because Darren ordered the food on Tuesday,  the team enjoyed some artisan chips and venison sausages, served on a bed of sachet ketchup and vinegar. Hoping for a better performance against Hadley next week, I'm still having nightmares about Jono playing centre half against them last year.

Knobs 3 Croxley Community 3 AET - Knobs win 3-1 in penalty shoot out.

Late goals from Andy Wray (84 mins) and James Hobbs (88mins), followed by some heroic goal keeping saw Knebworth through to the second round of the FA Cup, for old men in Hertfordshire.

Knebworth started the day badly and the match badly. Wayne and the self-proclaimed "special one" Nick arrived direct from a night out. Nick was still unable to calculate his age. Darren arrived with his cage pre-rattled, and didn't calm down until Spurs beat Man City. Double Agent Dave was still going on about the Red Lion, very dull that. Jono arrived with a chip on his shoulder. And Barney was last to arrive with the kit.

The poor preparation was carried onto the pitch. Knebworth were 2 goals down before they realised the Croxley number 8 was decent, too fast and should be watched carefully. Martyn tried to trip him on one occasion as he scorched past, but missed. Knebworth were all over the shop and hanging on, hoping that Wayne and Nick would sober up and join in the match.  Knebworth got a lucky break when under no pressure, the Croxley defender mis-controlled in his box and the ball hit his arm. Penalty given and Jono put it away with conviction. Knebworth then gave away a third soft goal and were grateful when half time arrived.

Some strong words were spoken by Darren at half time, his cage still rattling - Darren made 50% of Knebworth tackles in the whole match and wanted more energy from everyone else. The main challenge was also to defend properly and defend as a team because despite playing poorly Knebworth had looked dangerous going forward.

In the second half Knebworth were much improved and were dominating the match. Croxley looked dangerous on the break, but Knebworth were in control. With 6 minutes remaining the score was still 3-1.... Wayne then awoke from his drunken stupor and clipped the ball to Andy Wray who made it 3-2. With 2 minutes remaining, Knebworth won a corner, Jono swung it into the box and James equalised with a towering header through a crowd of players. James now has 7 goals from 2,768 attacking corners in his Knebworth career. 3-3 from nowhere, momentum and confidence was with Knebworth.

Extra time came and went. Darren and Dave saw red over free kicks given away on the edge of the box and exchanged some strong words. Croxley could have won it from one free kick that flew across the six yard box. Barney was cynically taken down when through with 1 minute to go - but penalties it was.

The rest was history making. James whispered to Dave M that he couldn't see Tony saving too many. But when it was known that Wayne and Double Agent Dave were penalty takers 4 and 5, Tony was inspired.

For Knebworth, Andy Wray scored the first penalty. Paul scored the second after a terrible bobble over the keepers' arm. Jono took a terrible second penalty which somehow went it - the big man had to apologise to the keeper for that one. But Tony saved the 1st, 3rd and 4th penalties and Knebworth were through.

Knobs 4 Welwyn Sports 2

Managers Hobbs and Aldrich were given freedom of the village after guiding Knebworth Vets to a second victory over Welwyn Sports in a single calendar year - something never achieved by the previous 32 Knebworth managers in 53 years of the oldest Vets Football fixture in the North Herts parish.

Knebworth welcomed Lewis Caroll to the squad for a poetic senior debut for the Knebworth franchise. The managers have every faith that Lewis can bridge the gap between Veterans and First Team football much faster than previous home grown talent, Wayne and Jono. The pair, despite their commitment, have struggled with obvious gulf between the levels. Good luck Lewis.

Welwyn were a little under strength arriving with just 11, and being turned down by Bully to help them out. Bully said "I've seen people lose respect for Double Agent Dave since he started turning out for anyone who would have him, so you won't catch me doing that, at least not against Knebworth with that clogger Wayne in the back 4".  A request for a 40 minute each way match was declined by Knebworth, who instead offered both linesmen.

Knebworth started brightly, but it was Welwyn who took the lead. A mix up on the right and some poor marking on the left meant a good cross was easily volleyed home. Knebworth appeared unconcerned and continued to attack at pace, with Nick using up his puff chasing the ball out for goal kicks on a regular basis. Barney soon levelled with a well taken equaliser that I can't remember.

After 30 minutes a double Millhouse substitution was made as Dave and Greg were replaced with Jono and Dave Knights. James has subsequently taken several calls from various Millhouse relatives who are not afraid speak their minds - some of the language used has, allegedly, been rather colourful. Jono scored with his first touch, seemed like an effective substitution, but the Millhouse mafia continue to disagree. The managers resisted temptation to take Jono off straight away.

Before the match James explained he had watched reruns of the last 28 Welwyn matches, and the analysis showed the Welywn number 18 was expert at winning penalties - therefore everyone should be very careful if tackling him in the box. 1 minute after taking the lead James was pulled to the left to cover ailing sun burn victim Dave Knights. After a lucky bounce the Welwyn number 18 ran into the box and James was harshly adjudged to have tripped him. Dave Jordan celebrated wildly having been told off by James on 13 occasions last season for giving away penalties.  2-2 at half time.

Knowing Welywn would tire in the second half, Knebworth upped the tempo after half time and soon took the lead. A great team move finished with Greg passing to less cheerful but more talented (joke!) brother Dave for a neat finish.  Welwyn always had the potential to score, and looked dangerous on the break and won some free kicks in good positions. A few long shots were dealt with well by Andy but Knebworth held firm. Barney rejoined the match for the last 15 minutes and showed some great touches. He rounded the keeper twice, and on the second occasion made the match safe at 4-2.

After the match Darren Aldrich thanked his central defenders for their performance. Aldrich said "James and Wayne were outstanding again, they start all of our attacking moves with incisive passing, they win all the 50-50 balls, all the headers, cover both doddering full backs and organise the midfield. Absolute legends".  Joint manager Hobbs said "For once I agree with Darren, but with Andy Wray and Paul Matthews available soon selection will be tough for the FA Cup next week, we could be a manager down"

Harpenden 1 Knobs 5

The Vets stretched their winning run to 2 matches with a strong win away at Harpenden.  Morale was high and team spirit strong with Wayne, Dave Knights and Andy Wray away at an all weekend 1960s school reunion.

The Vets reacted calmly to the loss of keeper Andy on the morning of the match. Clubman of the year Banksy and Double Agent Dave were willing volunteers to put the gloves on, probably recognising a rare chance to get 90 minutes.

Knebworth started strongly on the usual bobbly Harpenden pitch. Barney, Nick and Rob were lively whilst Darren tried his best.

On a hot run of playing consecutive matches for the first time in his Knebworth career, Rob opened the scoring with a cross shot. Great form with 3 in 2 matches for the Whacker from Watton. The managers would be more impressed if he didn't turn up with a note from his mum saying he had to leave early.

Knebworth were on top, but with cries of "no foul" ringing in his ears, Greg chopped the Harpenden forward down in the box. However the intimidating presence of Banks in goal was enough to see the penalty put wide.

One foot Nick coped better on the right flank and looked dangerous - one run into the box saw him brought down for a probable penalty, but nothing given.

Dave M made it 2 nil at half time with a shot from the edge of the box - the keeper was lying down though.

At half time Jono realised he was too tired after running 1 mile in the mud on Saturday. He went in goal and Banksy moved up front to keep up his goal to running ratio of one goal for every 30 metres of movement on the pitch.

Harpenden pulled a goal back shortly after half time - but angered by Jono's mistake in goal, Knebworth quickly struck back with goals from Dave M and a rare Darren goal. At 4 -1 Knebworth were comfortable and Harpenden began to argue amongst themselves. At one point the frustration was evident when the Harpenden midfielder booted the ball into the woods after the whistle had gone for a foul. The same player then complained Jono took too long to get the ball..... Mmmmmmm...

Banksy made it 5, after a great run and cross from barney,  happy days.

After the manager deputy assistant manager Hobbs said "Darren wanted to put Nick on the bench but he was a revelation in the first half, that Aldrich couldn't recognise a baller if ran into one in central midfield". Hobbs continued... "It was good to have Martyn and Ally back - they lack the orange tan of Dave K, but their language is much better and the conversations about politics and brexit were more balanced than the debate with Wayne and Dave in the second last week"

It's another 6 pointer next week at home to welwyn sports. Big crowed expected, this is an all ticket affair.

Knobs 6 Leisure League Herts 1

The Vets returned to winning ways - which was a relief for the divided committee who engaged in a whatsapp war over which pub should be chosen for post match festivities. An unnamed committee member said  there is deep resentment on the Board and leadership from chairman Al is really lacking. The chairman was last seen supping free pints in the station pub refusing to take calls from referee organiser Dave "one job" Jordan who enjoys free meals at the Red Lion, Woolmer Green.

After 2 referees arrived last week, inevitably One Job Jordan struggled this week, and only a desperate call from manager Hobbs to village intellectual Gavin saved the day.

On the pitch Knebworth sized up their opposition before the game and calculated that some tight shirts could mean the game would be won in the second half on a lovely sunny day at the Rec.

Leisure League bravely travelled with only 11 players. After a thrashing last week, Knebworth started nervously and were patient in the first 20 mins. Leisurely League ran about a little but the orange back 4 were excellent, dominating and playing the ball nicely from Andy in goal.

Andy Wray opened the scoring with a nice volley and Ron Hanlon made it 2-0 at half time. It was a patient and comfortable first half, Leisurely were beginning to tire and lament the absence of their missing star players.

The second half was very comfortable, Leisurely stopped running and the midfield had acres of space to run the game. Many chances were missed and Knebworth were lucky leisurely were missing their star players (apparently they would have thrashed Knebworth with a full team out - from where I was stood they would have needed to replace the entire team, so the comments felt a little desperate).

Taking 99% possession Knebworth ran the game. Barney missed a load, scored 1, and created a few. Jono was regularly pushed off the ball by the weakest defender and scored. Rob H, played 3/4 of the match, in 2 positions and scored a second - more activity than in the previous 2 seasons. New boy Nick refused to kick with his left foot but got a goal after breaking a toe with several scuffed passes and shots.

A consolation for leisurely left the score at 6-1 - some breathing space for under pressure managers Hobbs and Aldrich.

The team retired to the station pub for some of the best sandwiches, beer, atmosphere, music and banter ever known in Hertfordshire.

Knobs 1 Lilley Savage 5

The first game of the season, and first league game. A fresh start.....New keeper, new centre midfielder, goals put up early, new choice of pub, and a "new" club for returning Double Agent Dave Jordan. Sadly some things were not fresh and new. Late drops outs, late arrivals (with reason), soft goals and an injury for Paul Biscuits-Matthews.

Most of the season we worry about finding a ref. Dave's new found love for whatsapp meant he missed the email that said a ref had already been appointed for the fixture and we had 2. Les was sent packing. 2 refs was 2 more than the Knebworth subs bench, with a late drop out and Wayne running late after a late night at A&E - the team picked itself and all the managers had to do was to decide where to put Greg - centre defence was the answer.

First half - poor, defended Ok but the midfield gave them 2 goals.  Opposition, decent, but we let them play and did not defend as a team. Passing was too long on a fast surface.  Debutant andy Wray put in a shift in midfield next to Darren, but overall we seemed to give Rangers too much time on the ball.

second half - some improvement, but gave them 3 easy goals and Jono got a consolation. Passing a bit better, and shorter. Paul's ankle took a nasty blow and he was carried off. It was clumsy rather than nasty but a very dangerous one on someone with custard creams for legs. The clown making the tackle let himself down by coming into the dressing room after the game and asking Paul if he had seen his beloved and missing red tee shirt, without making an apology or asking how Paul was.
After the heaviest defeat in the opening game of the season since 1897, deputy assistant manager Aldrich said "team spirit went out of the window at 4-0 - heads were down and the blame culture crept back in. I thought Dave Jordan had his best vets game since he played in a 3-0 victory for Sandridge last season. So it's not fair to blame Dave this week, I'm going for the  forwards, barely had a shot on goal"

Aldrich's right hand deputy assistant helper was forced to apologise after the game. Hobbs said "Sorry I could not make the pub. Andy Wray took 90 mins to get dressed causing a delay to locking up the pavilion - I had to catch a flight to Dublin, there are 10 days until the transfer window closes and we are in the market for a new Irishman"

Knobs 2 Kimpton 1, Kimpton 1 Knobs 1

The Vets took on Kimpton in a 'double header' on the hottest day of the year so far.  The plan was for 30 mins each way, but Kimpton arrived without subs and Darren was easily negotiated down to 25 mins each way, twice.

A rowdy dressing room witnessed a weak apology from Wayne for a full season of misdemeanours, and then were shocked to find out from Dave Jordan than 'time' has recently been decimalised. "4 x 25 minutes, even in this heat is not too bad, it's only an hour, then we are done" Dave explained. This is not the first time this season Dave has impressed with his maths, see the report for Harpenden at home, when Dave invested £11 to win £10 on the scratch cards. There was some discussion about Dave helping his daughter with maths, and at this point Gavin did the decent thing and offered some free tutoring.

Match 1 - Knebworth 2 Kimpton Rovers 1

Knebworth began slowly as usual, a few things happened, the ball bobbled a lot, and this writer cannot remember much else. At the back Wayne and James discussed the merits of Jono's performance, but were forced to eat their words when suddenly the giant got free from the beanstalk around his legs and hit a curling left foot shot into the far corner.

keep it tight protect the lead was the cry from the back. Then Kimpton had a shot, the balled rolled slowly towards the goal, the players stood watching seeing the print on the ball go round and round....mitre, mitre, mitre, mitre, mitre, mitre.... Goal....expletive, expletive, post kicked, sore foot - the ball had rolled through Tony.

But fear not, Knebworth had Barney, and Kimpton had lost faith in their keeper. The ball was hoofed forwards by Tony, there was indecision and Barney rolled the ball home. 2-1 at home, decent result.

Match 2 - Kimpton Rovers 1 Knebworth 1

The away fixture was much tougher. But Knebworth raised their game and were much stronger. Jono had left in a hurry for the airport as police arrived at the rec.  Gavin and Dave M joined the fray having sat out the home fixture.

Knebworth looked most likely to score until Double Agent Dave Jordan took things into his own hands. Dave was having a great game, but was clearly unsure if he was playing for Knebworth or Sandridge and became the 99th player to lob Tony this season with an unconvincing swing at a bouncing ball. Maybe he also turns out for Kimpton, who knows, but if the authorities take a look at the video and discover strange betting patterns we can expect questions to be asked.

Knebworth were the stronger side and tried hard to get back into the match. Gavin was ruthlessly substituted and departed quickly for twittersphere  - sorry Gavin. Dave M got Knebworth back in the match with one of the worst goals the rec has witnessed with more confusion in the Kimpton defence, goalkeeping mix ups and a goal clearance attempt that hit the post. But they all count, and a few minutes later, the final chance fell to Dave to win the match.....

At the final whistle there was much tension between the Millhouse brothers about a recently purchased wedding ring that had gone missing. the club is still not sure which Millhouse got married on their recent American love island trip.